Saturday, December 21, 2013

Personal Consultations and Coaching

The new year is coming around and I would like to remind all of my readers that I do offer consultation services based on a donations basis. Click on the Personal Consultation tab on my blog to find out more about this service I am offering.

If you have any issue(s) that you feel you might be able to handle with the right support, insight, and perspective, I am confident that I can provide. I am highly sensitive and observant to any details and I assure you that your privacy is fully protected.

I can offer one on one coaching if that is what you need, including regularly scheduled calls/Skype sessions if that is the service that is right for you. I emphasize the importance of finding an approach that is right for every client, and I am highly flexible to all your needs. My top priority is making sure you work through any issues with more than enough guidance and support to help you thrive.

I look forward to working with all of you.

Warmly with love,

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Thoughts on Privacy and Personal Boundaries

We are all connected but we also exist individually. We have individual lives and with that comes the need for individual boundaries. Personal boundaries are important for our personal growth. With personal boundaries, we can concentrate our efforts on a specific desire or state. It is the personal boundary that helps us focus and keeps our energy and intentions from scattering.

Privacy is an aspect of personal boundaries. No one has a right to demand that we admit our thoughts and feelings. When we want to keep information private for a reason, we usually do not feel the desire to express and share that information. This intention is not based on greed or hoarding, and it is not based on fear. What I am referring to is a genuine desire to keep information to yourself because it helps you grow and you are genuinely happy with that decision.

How can this be so?

Maybe someone has a disease or internal conflict. They might want to keep that disease or conflict private so that they can work on it themselves without the interruption of others' intentions. Sometimes it is easier to deal with inner conflict without a barrage of other people's opinions blowing things out of our sense of proportion. Sometimes it is easier to deal with internal conflict without a barrage of other people's judgement or praise or sympathy. It is easier to find the inner calmness and clarity needed to dissolve and move through inner conflict when we look deep within ourselves. Of course, if someone wants help, they shall ask. But if one genuinely does not care for the help of others, privacy is a right and a personal boundary that can be healthily maintained. Do not feel guilty if you want to preserve your privacy.

This also applies for personal achievements. Not to be confused with greed or hoarding, if someone is developing a project or technique, it is usually in their best interest to maintain a sense of privacy surrounding that project. This allows for the concentration of effort to develop something that will ultimately be shared. A successful chef keeps his recipes guarded but his food is available to all. An inventor wants his project to be accessible to the world but he keeps his blueprints to himself. Those foods and those inventions can be analyzed and recreated by careful observers who study those products, but ultimately, it was privacy that funneled the route to success.

Privacy also applies to personal life. Is there not a reason why private parts are considered private? Nudity is natural but is there not a sense of comfort and security gained from keeping your body private, and is there not a healthy sense of power over your life that comes with the power of choosing what aspects of yourself are clothes and what aspects of yourself are exposed? Privacy must be respected. One can not demand that another expose what they desire to keep private, unless that privacy impedes on another or that privacy is ultimately detrimental. Of course it is not healthy to keep a crime private or to keep a resource that can help others private, but in this world, that is where personal decision and judgment comes into play. That being said, I speak not of the extreme situations in this article.

Privacy really is about healthy boundaries. Privacy is an aspect of personal boundaries that promotes growth and promotes development. There is a beauty to inner journey and privacy protects that inner journey. We are one but we are also individuals in this realm. A healthy sense of privacy allows healthy growth.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

New eBook!

Hey everyone!

I just wanted you to all know that I just published en eBook-  "Before You Cheat: A Guide to Reclaiming Your Life from Infatuation, Obsession, and Infidelity." It is available for download on Amazon: Thank you so much for your support.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

How to Deal With Loneliness and Feeling Like You Don't Belong

Sometimes we can feel completely alone in the most crowded of places. Our loneliness and lack of connection is heightened because of everyone we find ourselves around, it seems that none of them really understand us or get us or accept us or love us for who we are. This is a real problem that causes many people lots of unhappiness, resentment, disappointment, and other negative emotions. If one finds themselves with an excess of this negative emotion, one can become overwhelmed and not know how to deal with it. This leads to us ignoring the negative emotion and distracting ourselves. The more we distract ourselves, the deeper we fall into the hole of loneliness. We drift further and further away from others and we become more and more unhappy. There is a point where this unhappiness and loneliness becomes completely debilitating and we lose the desire to live. No matter how much you practice detachment, and no matter how much happiness you find in yourself, life is always better when we create loving, caring connections with other beings. I hope this article helps you achieve that.

We Attract What We Resist
We attract what we keep fighting. If deep inside, we are scared of rejection and keep fighting it, hoping to never experience and face it in our lives, we attract relationships that force us to feel rejected. This rejection might not be obvious, it might work indirectly. If we are so scared of rejection that we keep pushing it away, we act in a way to try and achieve just that. We behave in a way that we think will save us from rejection- we act in a way that makes us "acceptable" to others. But by doing this, we attract people who actually don't accept us for who we truly are because we are only giving others a false version of ourselves in hopes that we will be loved/appreciated/accepted/belong. By fearing not belonging, we attract people who we don't truly belong with. By this, I meant that we attract relationships that are vapid and meaningless- free of the genuine love and appreciation we seek. Of course, the degree of meaningless depends on the degree of one's fear. The more fearful you are of rejection, the more opportunities to face that rejection we attract. Rejection is a tool here- it isn't bad! It shows you that the social interactions you are partaking in do not cater to your good and that it isn't good in your life. In a perfect world, people wouldn't reject each other- we would all accept each other and this acceptance would free us from the creation of so many problems. But alas, this is not a perfect world. But we can practice acceptance so much that our fear of rejection shrinks in comparison to it. The fear of rejection is totally normal, but to keep letting it grow and grow is debilitating.

Accept yourself and love yourself and you will find that the illusion of rejection will crumble more and more with each moment of gratitude, happiness, and realization of self love you experience.

Are You On the Same Frequency?
We can feel lost in our social interactions if we do not find connections that really vibe with us. If you feel socially lost, examine your most frequent interactions. What are they based off of? What do you talk about, what do you not talk about? Do you have common interests in the nonmaterialistic aspects of life? Do you have clashing senses of humor? Is your style of communication in disharmony to theirs?

People are different. Although people have varying degrees of flexibility and adaptation in regards to how they can interact with others while still remaining genuine, the truth is that people are happiest with people who are in harmony with their vibes. This means that it is okay not to be thrilled by everyone's presence. It is okay not to want to be around certain people and it is okay to really want to be around other people. Listen to your inner voice and emotions when you interact with people- do you feel a sense of harmony and acceptance and connection with them or do you feel like the interaction and communication is strained or draining? Respect your inner voice and emotions, and don't try to intellectually overanalyze your interactions. Harmony with others makes you feel good. Follow that positive feeling, but make sure that when you follow that feeling, you are grounded.

Others can make you feel good because they supply what you lack- this can lead to codependence and other harmful situations. Learn to express your emotions to yourself so that they do not cause you to go about interacting with others so that your emotions can find an outlet- this is like growing your own garden so that you are not desperate for anyone's hand outs when you are very hungry.

Love Yourself
Love yourself by taking care of yourself and listening to your feelings, thoughts, and desires and respecting their validity. By doing so, you will attract people who also respect your thoughts, feelings, and desires and you will learn how to respect other people's thoughts, feelings, and desires. No one is a victim here, and it all starts by really getting to know yourself. You must get to know yourself or else you will depend on others and your relationship with others to find definition and direction in life and identity. Although identity is a taboo subject- we live in this reality that makes it so that we need a sense of identity- who we are and who we are not- to really experience life, or else we wouldn't be in this reality of separation because we would be everything all the time. We live in a reality of separation, illusory or not, so embrace that and don't feel bad for embracing it because it is a tool for you to experience life and cultivate your happiness and desires. It is a tool for self growth.

Practice being the person you want to be around. Practice acceptance and love. Be generous with your attention and affection. Be spontaneous with acts of kindness and tokens of appreciation. Respect boundaries and be understanding, with yourself and with others. Practice honesty and respect and patience. The more you offer these aspects of yourself, the more it will be reflected by your reality onto you through others so that you can experience it.

Tips for Feeling Connection
Some very helpful things to do to feel a sense of harmony and connection are:
-spending time in nature
-listening to music that really moves your emotions
-spending time with animals and really paying attention to how you feel around your favorite pet
-hugging others
-making comfortable eye contact with others and smiling genuinely

I wish you the best on your inner journey.

Lots of love,

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Don't Overidentify with Your Thoughts and How to Release Anger

Hello everyone,

I hope all is well. I have decided to try out other forms of media to really fulfill the purpose of this blog. I hope it serves you and helps you in any way.

Here is a video I recorded when I felt inspired to share this message on the topic of over-identifying with our thoughts and not giving them the power to run our lives.

And here is a link to a Quick Anger Resolving Meditation I have recorded for you. Feel free to download it. I hope this helps at least one person out. An extended version is being currently uploaded.

All the love,

How to Reduce Holiday Shopping Stress: Tips for Holiday Shopping!

Here are a few tips to make your holiday shopping experience a little less hectic and a lot more enjoyable!

Hydrate and Feed Yourself!
Department stores have terrible air circulation that rob your body of water. The changes in temperature, the wind, and all of that walking also lower your hydration. If you add in the caffeinated drinks and salty snacks commonly consumed during these mall outings, your body will be begging for water and better nutrition. Thirsty and hungry people are cranky people, so make sure you drinks lots of water- bring a reusable bottle and refill it at a water fountain or (graciously) ask an employee at a snack booth to fill it up for you. Bring small snacks to eat in between store raids, but eat them outside of the store, and most definitely not in a long line. If you absolutely must eat or drink while in line, make sure it isn't loud and that it doesn't have much of a scent to it. Don't slurp at the bottom of your iced drink or litter either, please. Be considerate of others.

If you plan on going to the food courts, plan for the crowd. When it gets really busy, you will spend a lot of time waiting in line for food and trying to find a table. Take this fact into account.

Wear Comfortable Clothes and Smell Good
You want to strike a balance between comfort and decency. Don't kill yourself wearing high heels and a really heavy coat that you will take on and off and carry between the temperature changes, and don't wear your gross dirty pajamas and unwashed hair. The people waiting in line with you do not want to smell you- so make sure you exercise proper hygiene and smell as neutral as possible. If you want to wear a fragrance, make sure that you dab it on in small amounts- no one wants to be overwhelmed by your perfume shower.

Plan to Feel Good!
Despite the generous and thoughtful intentions, holiday shopping can be a draining experience. Keep yourself in a good mood by starting the day off with an energizing bout of exercise and a great breakfast. Compile a playlist that will help you tune out the horrible in-store music. Play games on your phone (silently) and take breaks to just breath and stretch out your limbs and remember why you are shopping in the first place. People watch for a while. Go shopping with someone who is calm and pleasant! Be calm and pleasant.

Be Considerate!
No one wants to wait in long lines, but alas, there they are. Don't cut people or ask someone to hold your spot in line while you obtain more items of clothing. Don't talk too loudly in line. Put your phone on vibrate. Don't litter and if you are bringing your children, make sure they behave and don't disturb the other shoppers. Try not to complain and sigh in line, or display other impatient behaviors like crossing your arms and repeatedly tapping your foot or rolling your eyes- the stress can be contagious. Before you get the register, have your wallet and coupon ready. If you really want to get checked out quickly, take off all of the hangers from your clothes and organize them before reaching the register and tell the cashier that you do not want your clothes folded. Bring a reusable shopping bag.

Plan Ahead and Stay on Budget!
Obtain a map of the shopping center you will be visiting beforehand and plan a route or at least familiarize yourself with the shops and their locations. Look up coupons to those shops beforehand and make a list of what you are buying for whom- this becomes easier when you look up the catalog beforehand to familiarize yourself with the items offered at the prices they are being offered. In case those things happen to sell out at the store, get an idea of another item you'd buy at a similar price. If you don't want to plan an items list, make a budget! Bring a calculator and a small notepad to keep everything recorded and calculated.

If you detest shopping, just go to the grocery store and buy gift cards. You'll be done in ten minutes, save gas, time, energy, and your sanity.

Happy Holidays!
Try to remember why you are buying what you are buying for the people in your life! Don't become overwhelmed, just take it easy and know that fighting over an item is never worth it (but if you seriously feel slighted, talk to the manager calmly.) Good luck!

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Why You Should Write A List of What You Want in Life and Why You Should ASK

Hey everyone! I hope all is well and that you are all at peace and in the moment, enjoying life through your mind, body, heart, and spirit :) I just felt really inspired to share some thoughts about focusing on what you want in life. Sometimes we ask ourselves, hey, what do I actually want in life? And sometimes, we honestly don't know. I think a lot of the times we don't know is because we forget about what we love and what makes life fun, because I truly do believe that life is meant to be fun and joyous and utterly fulfilling.

I encourage you to write a list of what you want in life- what enthralls you, what comforts you, what thrills you. You don't have to know why or how these things might happen, but you do have to put yourself in a good place and really listen to your heart. Ask yourself what you want in life when you're having fun and in good spirits, with good company or in peaceful solitude. Allow your imagination to run without rules and don't let doubt or ideas of rationality or probability get in the way of really exploring your heart's desires.

Write a list of what you want in life. If you need an example, here is mine!

What I Want To Experience:

Dear Universe, I would love to:
Star in a principal role in a major blockbuster movie
Write songs and record vocals for a beautiful album with talented musicians
Write more articles that really touch and move people and help them feel amazing and great
Learn how to cook Thai and Indian food from an expert
Grow my own vegetable and fruit garden that can feed my entire family and other families
Start a school in the Philippines that teaches skills for free so that people can get hired and work jobs
Donate a million dollars to a charity I truly believe in
Start my own microbrewery and fermentation plant
Practice aerial partner yoga with wonderful people
Learn how to perform on aerial silks
Open up my own solar powdered coffee roasting cafe

These are just some things I truly, genuinely would love to do and experience! I can see myself doing them because I admit that I really do want to experience these things and I have total faith that the Universe provides me with everything I truly want and need. I'm not afraid to ask for what I want!

If your faith needs a little bit of refreshing, write a list of things you have experienced that seem miraculous to you in retrospect. Here is mine!

Living in my current beautiful spot of town, close to nature and the city, and getting here from having lived in a tiny, tiny town halfway across the world.
Having straight teeth without braces even though the dentist said there was a 90% chance my front teeth would always be extremely gapped and crooked.
Pursuing a science degree at a great university notorious for their amazing science classes despite only having taken 2 AP classes in English during high school without any background in chemistry.
Having an insanely great relationship with best friends that are heaven sent.
Making money by being slightly studied! (Research participation for the win.)
Being able to write this blog and hear from readers who appreciate what I do and knowing that I am serving others.
Interning at 2 leading national companies so far.
Being a part of a tight knit, loving family.
The list goes on and on.

 My life is a miracle, and I am so grateful.If you feel bad writing this list or sharing it because you think it is considered bragging, don't give up! It isn't bragging if you admit that the Universe is what made this all possible. Stop thinking in terms of deserving and not deserving and try to think in terms of what energy your giving out. The entire universe is made of energy!  You get what you give! If you give out positive, loving vibes to yourself and to the world, the world gives it back to you. The world is a mysterious place, and ultimately I believe the world and life is on our side and wants us to enjoy life. So be grateful and pour love into your moments and into your life and the love will overflow and your life will be a great experience of happiness and joy and alignment.

All the love,

Saturday, November 30, 2013

How to Find Balance and Ground Yourself

We all can feel lost and distracted in life. Our focus can become distorted and our flow can be disrupted by trivial mind chatter and meaningless novelty. This state of confusion and interruption is caused by a lack of grounding. If we take the time to ground ourselves and "calibrate" our moods and thoughts, we can reclaim the clarity and inner peace essential to a happy existence.

Are You Approaching Life in An Imbalanced Way?

Sometimes our goals and ideals cause us to behave in ways that actually lead us to deviate from those very ideals. We may value success, but we go about trying to pursue that success in a way that causes us to suffer and utterly miss the fruits of our labor. We may value some sort of social ideal, such as the ideal of a perfect lady, but we might lose ourselves and deny ourselves of our true essence while trying to fit the ideal.

So as not to lose ourselves in the pursuit of our goals and ideals, we must ground ourselves. When we ground ourselves, each step becomes an enjoyable and fulfilling step on the journey- not just another trait or quality or task we have to cross off our to-do list. So here are 3 ways to get out of your own way.

1. One way to ground ourselves is through a calibration of extremes. It sounds fancy, but it is really simple and pretty fun. When we chronically err towards one side of the spectrum, we lose balance. The middle path has balance. An easy way to find that middle ground is the swing to the extremes of both ends of the spectrum, experiencing it in a way that leads us to let go of our former imbalanced position on that spectrum and let ourselves settle for the middle ground. I DO NOT MEAN that you need to actually take actions representative of both extremes. For example, if one is too held up trying to be on the good, right side of the spectrum, I do not mean that one should behave very badly to explore the opposite side. When I speak of exploring the extremes, I mean so in a way that has no real consequence on the outer world/other people. This is strictly a personal thought experience/game. You are an actor, and to warm up your expressive capabilities and really function from that sense of knowing and control, you must feel out the extremes of the spectrum.

If you have been too hung up on the ideals of hard work and success and find that you have wound yourself too tightly, try spending a day watching total slacker films. Stay in your pajamas. Don't bathe for a day or two.

If you have been too hung up on the ideals of, say, a perfect lady and have wound yourself too tightly, try watching interviews of relaxed manly actors you would want to actually hang out with. Let yourself be unladylike in your own presence.

This exercise really helps you loosen that tight grip on ideals and find balance. You center yourself naturally.

2. Another way to find balance is to immerse yourself in peace and balance. Hang out with balanced, happy people who go about their lives in a streamlined but relaxed manner. Send yourself to the spa. Listen and watch the interviews of relaxed people. Seek our their quotes and extract that vibe. Steal that vibe; adopt it. It is often easy to adopt a vibe that you have an example of.

3. And to get to the nitty gritty- journal about your imbalances. Ask yourself where these imbalances come from and why they have become so rooted into your way of life. Ask yourself why your grip on certain ideals are too tight. The answer will 99.9% of the time be a fear based reason. Maybe you are scared of not being good enough, of acting in a way which you consider inferior, etc. Be patient with yourself as you learn more about yourself and be gentle.

I hope these 3 simple exercise help you to find balance. They really work if you give yourself the chance to explore and play with the concepts and give it an honest go. Remember, life exists on both ends of the spectrum, but life really thrives in the middle path of balance and moderation. So I wish you a happy, peaceful, and sustainable way.

All the love,

Sunday, November 24, 2013

How to Deal With Wanting to Be More Than Friends: In Love With Your Best Friend

Sometimes we develop very deep feelings for people we have already established wonderful friendships with. This is natural- you get to know somebody whose company you really enjoy and someday you realize that you want to be more than friends. Maybe you've always wanted to be more than friends. Maybe you can't stop seeing them as someone you want to spend a great deal of your time, or maybe even your life, with. Maybe you find yourself constantly thinking about them, wishing they were with you. Maybe you spend a great deal of your time thinking of ways to make them happy, or maybe even thinking of ways to confess your feelings.

But maybe you don't want to ruin a great friendship.

Like all important decisions in life, you need to ask yourself a few essential questions.

Are You Willing to Take the Risk?
Are you willing to take the risk of telling your friend about your true feelings knowing that they might reject you or that your friendship might end?

Sometimes when one friend doesn't feel the same way about the other, repulsion can be created. Your friend might be taken aback by your romantic attraction, and they might feel a bit awkward or strange or even violated. For some, this situation might be similar to a cousin or sibling expressing their love and attraction for them, and they might feel a bit repulsed.Once they know you feel this way about them, they might be a little freaked out and not want to be around you. Before you decide to confess your feelings, I would advice finding out a bit more about your friend's stance on you attraction-wise. Test it out a bit. Stand very close to them or attempt a loving but more intimate gesture (like brushing their hair behind their ear or stroking their face). If they do not accept your gestures and create distance, I would err on the side of safety and assume that the mutual attraction isn't there.

You also run the risk of upsetting your friend. Some friends might respond with a bit of anger or frustration because to them, it may seem like their friendship wasn't enough for you. These cases are stated in order to prepare you. If you do come across similar situations, you must be prepared to further explain and clarify your feelings and intentions, and you must be patient with your friend's response.

Are Your Intentions and Feelings Clear to You?
Are you sure that you really want to be more than friends? Or is it a fleeting feeling, impermanent and temporal? If you really value your friendship, I suggest that you really think this through and let it mull over until you are fully confident that you do want to be more than friends.

Why Do You Want to Be More Than Friends?
Do you feel like you could make your friend really happy, or do you only focus on how happy your friend makes you? Do you want to save them from their trouble-some relationship? Do you feel like you want to get to know them more and be there for them? Just ask yourself why you want to be more than friends.

An intimate friendship really does pale in comparison to an intimate romantic relationship. Having an intimate romantic relationship with someone really does open up a whole new set of doors and windows into other facets of their personality. The person that is a friend to you may not be the person who is the partner of another. People are different people around different people. Are you prepared to meet this new person?
Sometimes friends find it hard to expose the sides of them easily seen by romantic partners to a friend because they are very used to being a certain way with their friend, and this is completely natural.

The point is that even though you may really like your friend, you must be prepared to face the possibility that it just might not work because you've already established a friendship. It can be like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Tell Them Tactfully
You know your friend. Tell them about your feelings in a manner that promotes their sense of comfort and ease. Be thoughtful while confessing your feelings, and be clear. If it hurts you to not take the chance and never find out, please just tell them. Sometimes best friends turn into lovers. But I will warn you by saying that the signs are usually there. Test out the waters before your full confession- see how they react to romantic and intimate gestures.Maybe ask their other friends for advice and honest opinions. Be honest with yourself, and don't read into things that aren't there.

Best of wishes,

Thursday, October 24, 2013

How to Deal With a Breakup

Breakups can be really tough. When you break up with someone you were really emotionally, mentally, physically, and maybe even spiritually attached to, it can feel like half of you is missing. You can feel lost and confused and drained. You can feel anxious and tired and you can feel extremely hurt.

Dealing with the pain of a breakup is a delicate task. Breakups put you into a pretty fragile position- you may feel overly sensitive or you might try to hide your sensitivity by doing the total opposite and pretending that you don't care and overcompensating by "living it up." This fragile state means that you really need to care of yourself and be gentle and easy with yourself. You also need to exercise clarity and focus as to getting back on your feet and walking the path of happiness once again. Walking this path means that you must partake in a great deal of inner confrontation, healing, and release. I hope this article helps you with that.

Asking Yourself Why It Happened
If your breakup came as a sudden mystery, try to think clearly. Did your partner give you a reason as to why you two broke up? Did your partner ever repeatedly mention his or her concerns about the relationship? Did you ever repeatedly mention your concerns about the relationship? Did the relationship enhance your life and your partner's life? Were there any signs that pointed to the idea that the relationship had run its course and that it was time to move on?

I'm not going to ask you not to ponder the nature of your breakup- I know that doing so would be an exercise in futility, and rightly so. It is perfectly normal for us to get stuck on this question for a little bit. All that I suggest is that you help yourself get unstuck as thoroughly and cleanly as possible. This means that you need to first accept that closure is something only you can grant yourself, no matter how much you analyze the situation or the past or no matter how thoroughly your partner explains (if they do explain) their reasons for breaking up.

If you were the one who initiated the breakup, know that feeling regret is normal and almost expected of many breakups. If you're having trouble dealing with a breakup, you probably miss your partner to a certain degree. Major breakups cause big changes in our day to day lives- we suddenly have all this space that used to be filled with another. Trust yourself.

Emotional Pain and Reliving the Memories
After a harsh breakup, your memories will be even more vivid and visceral than usual. Every thought you think and every feeling you feel and re-feel regarding the relationship will be amplified. Know that this is normal and know that this amplification does not mean you need to pursue the path of regret. Accept the fact that your mind and emotions will tend to replay memories of your relationship, possibly on repeat. This is totally normal and ordinary.

I suggest you keep a journal with you at all times. When you start feeling really emotional, write down how you are feeling, what you want, and what hurts. When you find yourself in a happier, clearer state later on in your day, you can go back and read your journal, then write down any bits of insight you pick up on. This constant conscious system of feedback really helps you tune into your moods and emotions and allows you to experience them with more balance. Balance will certainly get you out of a rut.

I suggest you also partake in a hobby that really brings you into the moment and keeps you there. Try working out with a buddy or joining an exercise class with a fun instructor. Pick up some yoga sequences and really get a feel for your body and your breath. Hang out with some friends who like to play sports and join in on their pick up games. Hang out with some animals and spend time spoiling them with love and attention and allowing their happy aura to heal you. Spend time in nature and try gardening. Volunteer for a group and meet people. Try out a few activities that will help you feel like your time and attention is being used towards a purpose. Having a purpose during this delicate time helps your emotional and mental well-being tremendously.

Taking Care of Yourself
Go ahead and eat that carton of Ben and Jerry's and watch half of your Netflix queue. Just promise yourself that you will go out tomorrow and do something really healthy for you. If you really feel like pampering yourself and cutting yourself some slack will do you good, go for it! Just don't get too easy on yourself to the point that you neglect your health. A few days (less than a week hopefully) of moping around is the norm, but beyond that, really try to push yourself to start one healthier habit. When we go to easy on ourselves for too long, we begin to confuse convenience for ease. We blur the lines between going with the flow and stagnation. Your health will not flow when you are stagnant, so allow yourself to move out of that slump.

When we are under mental and emotional stress, our bodies become weaker. Really be gentle with yourself at this time. I know it feels good to get out anger and sadness with really intense workouts, but don't get too carried away. Now is not the best time to injure yourself. Balance is key.

Take the time to prepare nourishing meals for yourself and your loved ones. Take the time to really listen to what your body needs. If you feel very tired, rest. If you feel very restless, go for a walk. Try wearing your favorite clothes that make you feel really attractive and good about yourself. Listen to some new music. Explore. Indulge your creative side more than ever. Be good to yourself and allow yourself to play like a child. Allow your inner wisdom to guide you while you recover from the strain and tension. Trust that you will find joy, peace, and ease again.

Forgive yourself and forgive your ex-partner for whatever issues you feel coming up. Relationships are learning experiences. Focus on what you've learned and what you've gained thanks to the relationship and  thanks to the breakup.

Dealing with a breakup is not about focusing on who was right or who was wrong. Focus on you and how
you are relating and interacting with the world now. Is this what feels peaceful and balance and good, or do you need to explore different ways of relating and interacting? This process is all about you now, so always remember that the relationship has ran its course and that its end does not at all define you or the way you live your life.

Spend a few minutes a day visualizing and/or writing about what makes you happy. Really feel yourself in the reality without getting too specific about the people in that reality- focus on you and how you feel. This will help you align with your personal drive and goals and this will help you reinforce your intentions on pursuing these possibilities. Trust that there are many great possibilities ahead of you and most importantly, that in the moment there is always the possibility to connect with peace and joy. All you have to do is allow yourself to find even the smallest hints and trails of that peace and joy. Allow yourself to follow it and make sure to take deep breaths as much as you can along the way.

All the best of luck and please feel free to leave any questions,

Thursday, October 17, 2013

How to Deal With Feelings of Futility and Heavy Emotions

Sometimes we just don't see the point in doing anything, anymore. We assess our lives in a way that capitalizes the temporal, impermanent, and consumerist nature of our lives. We focus on our failures or lack of success or lack of satisfaction and fulfillment. This can lead us to feel lonely, hopeless, or especially fed up with how our lives have turned out. Feeling this way is perfectly okay; it is a natural mindset and mood that visits us from time to time, some more than others. These feelings can serve a purpose- they can help us align with a reality and way of life more conducive to total acceptance and inner peace. These feelings can also help us transcend former realities where we were existing in acceptance and peace but have outlived our stay. In order to allow these emotions to help us grow more into life, we need to learn how to interact with them.

Remember Even These Feelings Are Impermanent
Throughout of day to day lives, we often feeling a sort of "medium" level of emotion- a neutral point. This is how you feel when you are going about your daily chores or errands or are very focused/engaged in an activity or task. This is a meditative state which is completely adjusted to your settings. When we feel deep emotion, like feelings of futility, it often brings us out of our meditative balanced state and it has much more impact on us. Just know that you will sooner than later go back to your medium, balanced state of emotion where you will be able to move more easily to the point that you don't even have to think about moving easily.

Now, when we find ourselves outside of this ease, we can try to introduce ease. When we feel that heavy emotion of futility, we can try to "move" instead of allowing the feeling to render us crushed and immobile. Just like we can breathe through a difficult phase of our daily activities, we can breathe through this feeling. Don't try to consciously search for ease- just allow ease to come to you and allow yourself to receive ease. This won't make sense unless you've experienced this before or are in the moment experiencing it, but do try to remember to let ease in whenever deep emotions make you feel stuck and heavy. Release the tension and allow ease in, and the deep emotions will naturally dissolve and you can more easily get to their root and read their messages clearly.

Interpreting The Message
When we feel that deep sense of futility, it is often due to a lack of focus or clarity in life- a lack of alignment. We feel this sense of futility when we fail to nurture our true, natural expression. When our hearts our closed and our innocent, playful inner child is suppressed, we feel these heavy emotions. Maybe we need to nurture ourselves more. Maybe be need to stop bombarding ourselves with excess sources of stress. Maybe we need to create more time and space in our daily lives to explore our inner creativity, joy, and talents. Maybe we need to take the time to find beauty within ourselves and throughout the world and in other people.
This journey of introspection is best traveled with that same receptivity to ease and space. Allow your inner child to speak louder- allow that curious, playful, and shameless part of you to flourish once again. Just say yes to this part of you and allow yourself to make room within your heart and mind and attention to really nurture this aspect of you.

Heavy emotions will come up through out life, but we can always breathe through them. Allow yourself to flow with ease and grace through these currents and you will be able to really hear the messages and wisdoms life and your body, heart, mind, and soul have to tell you.

All the love,

Sunday, October 6, 2013

How to be More Calm and Peaceful

Emotions and changes in emotions, as well as changes in our mental, physical, and spiritual states, are all very important and crucial to our human experience. We need to experience that change to grow and explore and expand, but if we only live in a state of volatile change, we will never truly grow and expand because we have weak roots. A tree without strong roots just falls over and is knocked out of the ground- it is uprooted. Without its roots securely planted in the ground, the tree loses its source of stability and nourishment- therefore it ceases to grow and dies. But a strong tree with deep roots can withstand the changes in weather and seasons and continue to stand tall and grow and provide its uses and beauty to the world.

I believe that a state of calm and peace is linked to a stable grounding. One with deep roots can withstand many changes in condition- but one with deep roots is also still enough to feel the tiniest changes and derive whatever needs to be derived from those changes. One constantly in motion is in too chaotic a state to experience the mild, subtle and often beautiful changes the world has to offer.

In order to deepen our roots and allow calmness and peacefulness to fill our experience and existence, we need to address tension. Tension makes us move unnecessarily, it makes us constantly uncomfortable. It drives us to keep moving and taking action when we really don't need to be, and it makes us unstable. There are multiple levels of tension we must address.

Physical Tension
Often we carry tension throughout our entire bodies without even noticing its presence. Is your face tense right now as you read this? Is your forehead relaxed or is it scrunched up? Are you creating tension in your spine by slouching over in a misaligned position? Is your jaw or fist clenched?
Often we carry tension in our bodies due to poor alignment and lack of support, as well as unreleased thoughts and feelings. A supported body is a body that can go through life and motion with ease and grace- in order to have a supported body, one must have a strengthened and nurtured body. Exercise regularly- whether it be walking, hiking, yoga, weightlifting, swimming, etc- the body was designed to move. Read up on proper form and do what feels good and comes with ease when engaging your body regularly.
We also carry suppressed emotions in our body. If you've been angry or sad or nervous for a while, your body will also hang onto those emotions. Give yourself the time and attention to address those issues with deep breathing and an open, forgiving mindset.

Mental Tension
Often mental tension ensues due to stress and unresolved problems our brain is constantly trying to solve. Tension also arises from living in the past or future- our resistance to the present causes tension. Journaling about our thoughts and feelings as well as reading/listening about other people's experiences in similar situations often helps us reduce that mental tension and connect with the present moment.
Often mental tension also arises from not thinking deeply about something stressing us out- in this case, one must address their problems instead of putting off confrontation.

Mental tension also results from obsession- this obsession comes from over-attachment. To combat over-attachment, one must cultivate connection with themselves and the present- thus cultivating self sufficiency and a sense of allowing balanced with decisiveness. This concept will be elaborated upon in a future post.

Emotional Tension
This is closely linked to mental tension- unresolved, over-attached, and unconfronted emotions plague us and cause us to create resistance to the present and to our inner flow. In order to combat emotional tension, we must address our suppressed feelings and also let go of the feelings we've been feeding. This process is greatly supported by journal writing, self nurturing, and a good physical outlet- like exercise. When embarking on this journey, just remember that one is not the sum of their emotions or physical sensations or thoughts. Be gentle and do not over-identify with any aspects of the journey and the calmness will find you quite easily.

Spiritual Tension
Spiritual tension is created by misalignment with our beliefs. Maybe you are practicing the beliefs of a religion you do not feel aligned with. Maybe you feel like you need to explore certain beliefs. Maybe you are over-analyzing certain beliefs. This spiritual tension often arises from dogmatic, extremist approaches to religion/ spirituality. You are not a bad person for not truly believing in what your family/community/culture is comfortable with you believing in.

Allow the Peace and Calm to Find You
Be receptive to peace and calm. Don't overidentify with the changes or your past or future or whatever notions are causing resistance to just letting the present moment be. Don't try too hard or too fast- practice finding the ease. Breathe into the parts that need attention and create space. This process is like a stretch for your entire being. Gentle stretch out the tightness and strengthen your roots in the process. Don't overthink the process- just allow it to happen and believe it will, and you will connect with the present more and more.

All the love and all the peace,

Thursday, October 3, 2013

How to Stop Procrastinating

Procrastination is inevitable- it is totally normal for people to not want to start a project immediately. Sometimes we put things off until the last minute and hopefully, it is forgivable and not too detrimental to our jobs/goals when we do procrastinate. Still, some people are chronic procrastinators who always put things off until the very last minute. If you are a chronic procrastinator or would like to avoid the onset of chronic procrastination, this article is for you.

Why Do We Procrastinate?
There are many reasons to procrastinate and listing those reasons would be a valid excuse to procrastinate for some people. Yet the two most common and fundamental reasons I find are that people either don't want to do something or are afraid/unsure of how to approach it. 

You Honestly Don't Want to Do It
Sometimes we really don't want to do something. For example, some people really hate doing chores because they find them so mundane, so they will put off doing chores until they can no longer handle the consequences. Some people will allow the trash to pile up until their room smells like rotten fish and they can no longer differentiate their desk from their floor from their closet. Mundane chores like this are honestly things people really do have to do. People avoid these chores out of pure laziness and/or lack of consideration and/or lack of hygienic standards. To stop being so lazy regarding mundane chores, take the cold turkey approach and hype yourself up with motivation and clear out your room. Once you clean your room and reacquaint yourself with what a proper floor actually looks like, you'll probably want to keep it looking like a nice clean floor. Promise yourself that you'll spend at least 5 minutes a day putting things away- just five minutes. Amaze yourself with the results. If you're too unmotivated to take the cold turkey approach, promise yourself you'll spend 5 minutes a day putting things away or that you'll put away 5 items every day. 

These small steps are applicable to all mundane things you have to do- even homework. There are some subjects we really don't care about that we just have to get through. We could care less about taking away some deep insight regarding the topic because we honestly have better things to become fascinated with- apply the minimum daily rule for those topics. The point is that you spend a certain small amount of time everyday working on that task so that nothing piles up and that you don't become overwhelmed or bored. You might just actually find a spark of interest if you approach anything in life this way.

Sometimes You Just Hate It
In a soul searching kind of way, sometimes we procrastinate because we're conflicted. We don't care about what we need to do- it goes against our inner truth. We will procrastinate when we have to do something that isn't true or authentic to us because part of us knows that we aren't meant to pursue such goals. If this is the case, really let your intuition and subconscious speak to you. Examine your beliefs and thoughts- this is a huge topic that will be saved for its own post. But if this is the reason you procrastinate, explore the issue thoroughly!

You're Not Sure of What to Do
Sometimes we procrastinate because we honestly have no clue where to start, so we put starting off until some magical idea dawns upon us. The thing is that those magical ideas really start flowing in once you focus on the task and let your mind explore all of the possible ways. Most of us don't do this- we even procrastinate the thinking surrounding our task. If you let yourself really focus on and think about the task with an open and calm mind, letting your imagination, logic, and intuition work together regarding the project at hand, you will definitely have an idea of how to start and where to take things.

You Are Not Comfortable Enough
Stress is a huge distraction. If you're not comfortable, you won't perform well because you will function at a less than optimal rate and  you will also be distracted by the consequences of that sub-par functioning. This stress and lower functioning can be caused by any imbalances in your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual life. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Don't get into any crazy drama before taking on important tasks (don't get into crazy drama at all, really) and maintain consistent routines to lower stress and promote health in all areas of your life.

You Are Too Comfortable
Your environment might be promoting total relaxation and/or hedonism. Take a shower, release the bag of Hot Cheetos from your hand, turn off Netflix. Remember the balance mentioned in the section above? Yup, that is exactly what you need to focus on. If you want to start a project, help yourself by allowing yourself to be in an environment conducive to your goals.

It Is A Simple Choice
Honestly, procrastination is easily resolved. You either get up or you don't, you do it or you don't do it. You just have to decide to, and deciding to is all up to you. If you lack motivation and will power, you need to explore that issue. That issue will also be elaborated upon in a future post. Take things in baby steps if you know big changes aren't sustainable for you or if you know you won't adapt well! Know thyself and get it done.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

How to Stop Thinking About Someone

Sometimes we meet certain people who cause us to fall into infatuation or even obsession over them. They possess certain special qualities and make us feel certain special ways that are extremely fascinating and enjoyable to us. Some of us are more prone to this kind of behavior- the "hopeless romantics" and the ones who "fall in love" at first sight are very well experienced with this sort of pattern.

This infatuation is natural but sometimes it gets to a point where it is crippling. We can no longer focus on our daily life and our plans and days revolve around that person- whether directly or indirectly. We dream and daydream about them, they are our first thoughts in the morning and the last thoughts before we fall asleep.

This endless thinking soon turns into aggravation and disappointment- we over-analyze everything they do and show up at places we expect them to be, then feel utterly idiotic and creepy for making such an effort to bump into them. The cute bubbly feeling of a crush soon turns into a dragging heavy burden. In order to alleviate ourselves from this pattern, we have to be able to stop thinking about them in such an imbalanced way.

Are We Neglecting Ourselves?
Instead of fully nurturing ourselves, are we placing that effort and intention onto someone else? Are we giving ourselves enough time and attention to function at our best and are we giving ourselves enough freedom and stimulus to grow?

Sometimes we focus on another so intently because it distracts us from our own challenges and growth. Instead of catering to our own needs and best interests, we project that intention onto that which is external to us. We sometimes do this because it is easier to face problems revolving around someone else than it is to really sift through and feel out all of our own tensions and issues. It is much easier to take the first step in initiating a project or goal revolving around someone else than it is to initiate the first step in changing and exploring ourselves.

The other becomes a convenient distraction from our own self love and self growth. This is actually a sign that we are not "right" for the other. For true love, intimacy, and connection to flourish, both entities involves must be grounded and secure enough in themselves and their lives. Under any other conditions, the two are grasping at each other for fulfillment instead of fulfilling themselves. For true connection and true happiness to occur, one must fulfill themselves and be self sufficient.

Engage yourself in more hobbies. Keep a journal. Make an effort to expand your health. Take care of yourself first.

Are We Over-Romanticizing An Imbalanced Reality?
It is perfectly natural to imagine life and possibilities with another person. The imagination needs to play and the rational mind needs a goal to pursue. Sometimes this balance between the imagination and the rational mind becomes totally lost and imagination and emotion take over.

When imagination and emotion, as well as attraction, take over the mind, one tends to look at the world through rose tinted glasses and an overly romantic point of view. Instead of staying grounded in reality, one attempts to project an idealistic and strictly dreamy perspective onto life. One only chooses to see the possibility instead of also considering limitation, one only chooses to dream of realities where true love and the ideal partner magically fix all of their problems. One projects too much drama and theatrics onto real life and disappointment, stagnation, and frustration will surely follow.

Ask yourself whether you are attempting to live life through an imbalanced point of view. Accept and embrace both logic and imagination, freedom and restriction, romance and practicality. The more you integrate balance into your life view, the less prone you will be to living on either ends of the spectrum and the middle ground will be that much more accessible and enjoyable. The middle ground is the most sustainable and effective.

Are We Over-Thinking the "Over-Thinking?"
Are you making yourself feel guilty or judging yourself for fantasizing about someone? It is perfectly normal and natural to thinking about someone you are attracted to quite frequently around the time you meet them and get to know them. Unless thinking about them is causing imbalance in your life and causing you to neglect yourself and your life, just allow yourself to think about them. Allow yourself to enjoy the moments of sighing and giggling over them. Allow yourself to fully feel this delight in another. This delight is fleeting and doesn't quite last, at least not with the initial intensity. Know that when and if you continue to get to know this person and truly enjoy their presence, this feeling of intense giddiness and excitement will transform into peaceful familiarity and comfort. You will no longer think about them so frequently and so much, but the way you feel about them will be much deeper and stable and the initial buzz of fantasy and wonder will transform into a sense of calm knowing. For this to occur, just allow all connections to run their natural course and allow yourself to see with balance and clarity.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

How to Stop Being Insecure

Insecurity is a mindset that plagues all of us. It can be extremely limiting and can cause us to do the strangest, most outlandish things to gain validation and assurance. Insecurity is a weakness that we must accept, observe, and heal in order to free ourselves from the limits we've imposed upon our lives based on beliefs of inadequacy and lack of confidence.

What is Insecurity?
Insecurity is the feeling inadequacy. Most of the time, these feelings of inadequacy are caused by the act of comparison. We compare ourselves- our bodies, abilities, looks, emotions, etc. to others. We make life a competition or a rating scheme. We assign value to our aspects and abilities on a relative scale and then we make it personal. We become those assigned values. We reduce others to those assigned values. Instead of recognizing ourselves and others are growing beings, we reduce them to a stagnant mass of different levels of quality/quantity/ability/etc. Then we take that perspective and try to get the most of it. We become possessive, obsessive, controlling, dismissive. We behave in ways that make us feel the most comfortable with our insecurities and ratings of others. We objectify ourselves and others and "connect" with the image and story we've assigned to ourselves and others. Instead of really connecting, we merely possess and maintain an image and that insecurity fuels us to maintain or polish and sharpen that image.
Insecurity is that image.

Why Are You Insecure?
It is okay to feel insecure sometimes. Insecurity is completely natural. Insecurity is a survival instinct. Insecurity can be helpful- it can help you gauge your position or your mindset towards a situation. We become insecure when we try new physical things, especially in the presence of others who are experienced in that activity- like a beginner weightlifter walking into a gym full of bodybuilders or a new driver. That beginner eventually gets over that insecurity through practice and concentration because they have to. They know that if they don't improve their skills and mindset, they will get hurt. Insecurity is natural and relieved in a relatively straightforward manner because the beginner knows they are a beginner.

Yet in other experiences of insecurity, we forget that it is okay to be a beginner and that it is okay not to be good at something. Instead of recognizing ourselves as individuals attempting to improve a skill or trying something new, we over-identify with our inadequacy and believe we are inadequate.
The overweight person over-identifies with their larger body and reduces themselves to the "fat" girl or the "big: guy. The person who finds them-self as unattractive over-identifies with their appearance and reduces them self to "ugliness." This over-identification can cause them to seek validation through overcompensation. They can just be the "really funny one" or the "really smart one"- seeing these better traits as ways to compensate for their self imposed inadequacies. These overcompensate actions and mindsets can cause them to pursue a life of delusion. They are no longer true to themselves- they instead commit to a story, a mental image, in order to maintain their beliefs of self value and self worth.

This may also happen in a less direct way. The insecure partner who is not happy with themselves will hold on too tightly to their partner and become possessive and controlling. The person who is not happy with themselves may become overly defensive and victimize themselves constantly- blaming the world and believing that everyone is too callous and harsh to be truly happy around. The person who clings too tightly to one of two of their self perceived best traits can become arrogant and conceited- developing a superiority complex because they hold on too tightly to that one polished aspect.

All these insecurities stem from the fact that one has not accepted themselves and is not happy with one's self. These insecurities are a sign that one has many unresolved issues that need to be healed and beliefs that need to be let go of so that one may stop looking for validation externally and victimizing themselves.

How To Deal With Insecurity
Insecurities are deeply personal. I would honestly suggest keeping a journal and writing about what you felt and thought during your bouts of inadequacy. If you keep track of these instances, you will notice patterns that lead back to the same issues. You must work through these issues yourself and find ways to resolve these issues.

I suggest that during this time of heightened awareness of self healing, you engage in a hobby that brings you joy and gets you out of your head. Try connecting with nature and/or others by going on hikes, taking yoga classes, learning how to draw, learning a new musical instrument, learning how to dance, or anything that seems fun to you. Allow yourself to pursue this new hobby without judgment and recognize yourself as a beginner. Journal about these experiences as well and compare them with your entries on insecurity.

I also suggest spending a few hour doing volunteer work. Helping others without expecting anything in return really puts you in the moment and gets you out of head and helps you just feel in the present moment. The more you feel in the present moment, the less you adhere to your mental images and stories in the moment. Allow yourself to surrender to the moment and actions- fully give yourself to that moment. Like stretching and feeling the tension and relief in your extremities, allow yourself to fully stretch in your hobbies.

Relieving deep seated insecurity is all about self exploration and healing. The less you tell yourself that story and prescribe value to yourself and others based on comparison and the need for validation, the more you fully allow yourself to live and just be. Allow yourself to just be as often as possible and allow yourself to be natural. Do not over-identify with your abilities and thoughts, and you will allow yourself the space and openness require for healing and health.

You deserve your love and time, so allow yourself to give it.

All the best,

Monday, September 2, 2013

How to Find Your Soul Mate and Why You Should Stop Looking

Some of you have this idea that your soul mate will save you from your own unhappiness. Some of you have this idea that you can magically manifest your ideal relationship through the use of vision boards, positive affirmations, and detailed lists of traits you look for in a partner. Some of you will get exactly what you ask for- which would be affirmation and reinforcements of your beliefs. If you believe your soulmate will make you forget your own unhappiness- you will....temporarily. If you believe your ideal partner will share a blissful, wonderful, balanced, conscious relationship with you, you will....temporarily.

The whole point of this article is to illustrate the flaws and incoherent ideas regarding the search for the soulmate. I am not a cynic, but I do believe that if you are fervently searching for a soulmate- you have personal aspects that need tending to first and foremost.

Your Soul Mate Will Not Complete You
Nobody in this world will truly complete you because you are already complete by yourself. You do not need anyone to make up for that which you lack. Those lacks are illusory and caused by false beliefs and ego-based identifications. Opposites attract but they do not coexist for long because like resonates with like. Drop the belief that somebody will save you from yourself or from your own situations. Your salvation and development and self exploration and self healing is your responsibility.

You Want A Perfectly Tailored Life Companion
Your list of traits you want in a soulmate reads like an heiress's specialty coffee order during her midweek juice cleanse. You expect your partner to fit your life perfectly like a glove. You expect your soulmate to psychically understand how and why you want to be treated the way you do. You expect your soulmate to basically be made for you. Is another really created for the purpose of another? This is codependence at its subtlest.
By expecting your partner to act and be a certain way, you destroy many opportunities for the growth, acceptance, and unconditional love that the entire concept of soulmates and true love perpetuate from.

You Need That Special Someone to Complete Your Life
You expect that once your soulmate enters your life, a torrent of bliss and heavenly euphoria will flood your life and will continue to fuel your existence throughout the extent of your time together. Placing such a high hope on a future condition means you are not content with your present. If you direly want a soulmate for this reason, you must learn how to exist in solitude and be happy alone. You must allow yourself to explore solitude and your true self in the absence of others. If you depend on another to bring you to a state of happiness, you are not truly ready to accept and experience that state of happiness because you have not allowed yourself to access it from within.

You Want That Someone Who Will Catapult You Into A Torrent of Spiritual Growth
If you depend on another to learn about accepting reality and loving yourself, you will be severely disappointed. Although it is very true that in intimate relationships, there are many opportunities to accept
another being just as they are and to practice unconditional love. You can do this anytime with yourself or with anyone you encounter. You don't need someone to become close to you to practice this.

What Is A Soulmate?
Well, if a soulmate isn't merely someone who will be tailor fit to your life, if a soulmate isn't someone made to make you feel complete, and if a soulmate is someone who wasn't brought into existence for the sake of your spiritual exploration, what is a soulmate?
If you believe in fate and destiny, you may believe that there are soul's pre-arranged to be together because they may learn lessons together. I personally do not like to believe this, at least entirely. You can learn those lessons with them, or you can live presently so that your need to go through such lessons is lessened and you reduce the intensity of your momentum towards those conditions.
I believe that after we die, we are no different from each other. We are just energy and consciousness. So if anything is pre-arranged, it only matters here on Earth based on conditions of Earth. We can not approach the concept of a soulmate from a purely Earthly matter nor can we approach it from a merely transcendental, eternal soul sort of way. We must find a way to incorporate both ideas into a concept that works in balance between both worlds.

On Earth, we have personalities and natural affinities that do exist. We can accept these natural affinities without over-identifying with them and limiting our understanding of ourselves and others. Our natural affinities are sometimes changeable and sometimes very stubborn. Due to these natural affinities, we are attracted to certain types of people. This attraction speaks to abundantly and subconsciously. Biologically, we are attracted to those who possess genes we would like to pass on to our own children. Emotionally, we are attracted to those who possess the capacity to stimulate/handle/accept our emotions, depending on the person and the extent of their self realization. Spiritually, we're attracted to those who can share the same beliefs as us and practice the same rituals or devotion, or introduce us to beliefs we feel we would do best to take up. These attractions are conditional- what if the other changes? We are not attracted to them as much as before. Still, do we love them? 

I think attraction lubricates the process of forming intimate relationships, but ultimately, all intimate relationships depend on the quality of love exchanged between two individuals. If one individual can not unconditionally love themselves and others, then their unconditional love for the other individual is false. If you can only practice unconditional love for one person, it is not unconditional love- it is disguised as unconditional love but it is not so. Unconditional love knows no boundaries- it is a state accessed from within. It is a flow of life and energy. 

The sun does not choose where to shine, but the Earth takes up certain shapes and timings that cause the sunlight to shine more brightly and warmly in some places than others. Still, are you going to take the role as the sun radiating unconditional light, or are you going to be the technicalities and physicality of the Earth that dictate the flow of sunlight?

Unconditional love does not mean you will bend over backwards for everyone, become a saint, or never react to a situation. Unconditional love means that you see the infinite truth in others. Unconditional love is seeing others clearly without making their actions/words about you. Unconditional love is allowing awareness and grace to fill your existence in solitude that you bubble up and wish to express and spread such a wonderful gift- whether it be through a reverent glance, a kind word, a gentle touch, or a receptive ear. It is not demanding of others what you are fully capable of giving to yourself, and it is not giving in to others' similar demands of you. You just love because you have broken through your false barriers and illusory perceptions of the world and the energy of love just flows through you and fills you.

I believe that once you find within yourself the flow of love you once sought, everything else falls into place. You will attract the right opportunities to realize more and more of that love. You will meet with a special other who you find joy in learning about and interacting with more than others. In a field full of flowers, your spot in the ground, your seedling, will be close enough to theirs that your roots and leaves touch intimately and naturally. Like all truth, the idea is quite paradoxical but it makes perfect sense.

So if you are actively seeking out your soul-mate, try learning and attending to your own soul instead.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

How to Deal with A Possessive Clingy Partner

Sometimes we go through phases/stages/moods of clinginess and possessiveness. Sometimes our partners go through those moods as well. It can be difficult to deal with a partner who is acting clingy and possessive. You feel suffocated. Your personal boundaries feel disregarded. You feel emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. You really do love and care for your partner, but sometimes you really can't stand anymore of their clingy behavior. It drives you crazy, it makes you mad, and it makes you not want to be around them.

If you feel like your partner is being too clingy and possessive, you can communicate effectively with your partner so long as they are willing to work with you and progress with you in the relationship.

Telling Them the Truth:
If your partner's clingy and possessive behavior is enough to drive you to Google the issue and read this article, I'm going to assume that your partner has been acting this way for a while. Not just for a day or two, not just during an obviously emotionally vulnerable time for them, and not just surrounding a single event that could or has elicited feelings of jealousy or insecurity. You're probably reading this because your partner has been acting clingy for a while and to such a degree that you need it to stop because you're not happy.

The first thing you must do is to tell them that you feel they are being too clingy and possessive. Tell it to them gently and lovingly and ask that they refrain from interrupting you during your explanation and that you will do the same during their reply. Get an idea of what you want to say before telling them so that you don't end up working yourself into an angry rant that will probably cause them to react instead of respond. Be tactful, if you feel that it is best. During these sensitive conversations, bluntness is usually not the best approach, but neither is sugar coating. Be honest but avoid an accusatory tone.

Your partner's response falls into 3 primary categories: acceptance, shame, or anger. Your partner can accept your concerns and reflect upon them with you. Your partner can feel ashamed of their behavior and enter a state of low self esteem. Or your partner can totally disagree with you and accuse you of being uncaring/untrustworthy/un-affectionate/uncommitted/basically a whole list of accusatory slurs. Your partner's response can fall into more than one category in varying degrees. Gauge how much you want to work on it with them. Always remember, your responsibility in a relationship is not their self growth but your own. Will you grow as a person if you work together through this issue or will you stagnate your growth by staying in an unhappy relationship that drains you? This question is more often than not subtle and requires thoughtful deliberation. Sometime you can just trust your intuition and commit to that path. It all depends on you. Don't worry too much about it- you'll learn more about yourself either way.

If you choose to stay with your partner and are willing to work through the clingy and possessive behavior, you must prepare yourself to accept your partner completely. In order to understand why they are acting possessive and clingy, they must bring up personal issues that you might not have been aware of. Your responses/reactions to those issues can also bring up deeply suppressed inner conflicts that you were not aware you held. This is wholeheartedly a learning and exploration experience, so don't worry.

To really get down to the nitty gritty, ask your partner to tell you what they truly expect of you in a relationship. Tell them about your expectations. Explore the dissonance between your expectations. Explore the reasons why those expectations are being held. Question their validity and their effectiveness as well as their consequences in being or not being fulfilled. Explore it all, let the emotional turmoil and pull guide you. It is okay to be angry and feel frustrated and disappointed- you both are bringing up and exploring deep personal issues that are causing incongruities between your values and your actual reality. One of the ultimate goals in life is to be able to know and embody your values with such conviction and purity that they seamlessly manifest as your actual reality. Take this experience, as well as any small life experience, as a practice in attaining that level of harmony between your inner and external world.

Should You Compromise?
Compromise is such a funny concept sometimes. For some, it can mean that you give a little and get a little. More often that not, this can equate to necessary suffering for the sake of complacency. Sometimes compromise can mean putting in some effort to do something you are truly willing to do in order to reach a state/level unattainable without that extra care. Make the distinction between what kind of compromises you and your partner are willing to make for the relationship. Ultimately, ask yourself why you are in the relationship. Regardless of the state of the relationship, evaluating the relationship in terms of your interactions with your partner and your life experience is always effective in helping you figure out what you do want to experience and what you need to do/resolve/pursue to experience it.

Take Total Responsibility

Remember, you are (hopefully) in this relationship because you choose to be. If you are being forced to stay in this relationship because your partner threatens/abuses you, please find help. Talk to local authority and be smart about your escape. I hope you find your way out safely and I hope you never again find yourself in such a situation.
If you are in the relationship because you choose to be, take full responsibility for your feelings. Are you feeling emotionally drained because your partner insists upon talking to you on the phone 10 times a day? Annoyed because they attempt to follow you or make themselves a part of all of your plans? Frustrated because they try to impede upon your individuality and personal space?
Why don't you look at it differently? You are allowing them to treat you this way, and you are allowing yourself to feel angry/frustrated/annoyed. You don't have to stay with them. You don't have to be in a relationship. You are responsible for your own emotions and growth, and they are responsible for theirs. Don't play martyr. Don't be a codependent. Unless you want to experience that. But would experiencing that for prolonged periods of time actually contribute to your happiness and self growth?
Would such an imbalanced and externally dependent approach to life really make you feel happy and content?

What if they're just feeling emotionally vulnerable?
What if you find out your partner has been going through emotionally rough situations that have caused them to seek more love and care from you? Support them, help them, and help them stand on their own. Love and care for them. Be understanding. Always be understanding. Do what you can but don't try to do everything. Do what your heart, brain, and gut tell you to.

What If They're Just Feeling Emotionally Vulnerable, Afterall?
What if you find out your partner has been going through emotionally rough situations that have caused them to seek more love and care from you? Support them, help them, and help them stand on their own. Love and care for them. Be understanding. Always be understanding to the best of your ability. Do what you can but don't try to do everything. Do what your heart, brain, and gut tell you to.

This article was about dealing with a clingy, possessive partner, but I hope you get that the point I'm trying to make is that you are responsible. You make your choices. Don't blame your partner for your unhappiness.

All the love,

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Why It's Okay to Be "Needy" In A Relationship

People are afraid of being needy in relationships. We're afraid of admitting our true feelings and concerns to our partner because we're scared of losing them and pushing them away. We think we're better than our feelings of jealousy and unfairness and impatience. We judge ourselves, but instead of processing through our feelings, we bury them deep down inside. We don't want to come off as needy, so we don't communicate our thoughts and feelings.

It Is OK To Feel Needy
People forget that no relationship is perfect. A relationship is meant to help two people grow together and relate to each other. Wouldn't you be cheating one of the purposes of a relationship by not letting that growth and relation manifest?

A true relationship involves communication between partners because your partner is a mirror for you and you are a mirror for your partner. By communicating what you truly feel and think, you give yourself and your partner a chance to respond and bring up buried issues that have been long repressed.
I'm not saying that what you say has to be enforced in your relationship, but you and your partner should take the time to process and explore the thoughts you want to bring up. Your thoughts will trigger theirs, and you both will have the chance to more easily bring up issues and beliefs that you both haven't explored or fully accepted. You get to explore yourself in relation to the other. You both get to learn more about yourselves, why you act the way you do, why you hold certain beliefs, and you get to hold all of that thought and re-evaluate it in the moment. You get the chance to shed what no longer resonates with you and you get the chance to focus on new aspects or concepts.

The jealousy you feel may stem from you needing to be reassured- by your partner and by yourself. If you feel the lack of trust or anything stemming from the lack of trust- there is doubt in your relationship. There is nothing wrong with feeling doubt or mistrust, but know it is there for you to explore and let go of once the time is right.
And the time could be right now if you let the right conditions come forth. If you let yourself communicate with your partner in a loving environment, you can much tons of progress in self understanding and self healing.

So the next time you bite your tongue because you feel "needy", lovingly tell your partner that you'd like to discuss it and tell them beforehand that you are not trying to blame them, even if in discussing manners your tone might sound accusatory.

Maybe you will find out that what you consider needy is just a standard set by society, and that both of you do feel compelled to move in the direction that fulfills that level of intimacy. Maybe you will find out that you have trust issues. Maybe you will find out that you are expecting your partner to fill your life for you because you have been neglecting yours. The possibilities remain unrealized unless they are explored.

All the love and peace, :)

Saturday, June 8, 2013

How to Get What You Want in a Relationship

We all have needs. Despite our efforts to fulfill our own needs and wants by ourselves and with our own devices, we as humans long for human connection. Human connection can range from the simple to the complex- and relationships allow complex human interactions to be experienced by us.

In relationships, expectations are extremely hard to avoid. Although we try to fulfill ourselves, once we engage in a relationship, we tend to set expectations and standards for our partners and ourselves to fulfill. Although some will tell you that all expectation will lead to suffering, I don't see it as that black and white.
Relationships, as well as the experience of life, are dynamic- there are different levels and intensities that we can experience. In relationships, conditions are hard to to avoid. 

Unconditional Love but Conditional Relationships
I find it best to approach relationships with this distinction in mind- you can express unconditional love for your partner, but your relationship is subject to conditions. A relationship is an abstract agreement, and an agreement is nothing without any standards and set points.
You can always choose to love your partner unconditionally- knowing that deep down inside you accept them completely and wholly and desire to serve them and their happiness because you accept yourself wholly and completely and are fully responsible for your own happiness. To love your partner unconditionally, you must love yourself unconditionally.

Despite that unconditional love, a relationship with set agreements in still a valid experience. You can choose whether or not you want to have any relationship- you could just choose to love your partner and expect nothing of them, but that kind of experience is not the subject of this article. Instead, the subject of this article is to explain how to lift your agreed relationship to the level of joy and happiness you both desire.

A relationship is really a focused practice- you set up agreements in order to bring form to an otherwise formless feeling- love. By making this form, you allow yourselves to experience each other in ways you would not quite be able to. By agreeing to commit only to each other, you experience feelings you would not know about if you were not committing. By agreeing to live together and share domestic responsibilities, you grant each other the opportunities to feel and respond to the demands and joys of a shared home. 
Don't judge yourself because you place expectations on your relationship- it is perfectly natural and conducive to a cohesive experience of others. But remember not to place expectation on your partner.

Expectations of Relationship vs Expectation of Your Partner
I think you will fare much better to communicate with your partner about what it is you want to work on in your relationship instead of what you would like them to work on regarding themselves. You are not responsible for their personal growth, but in a relationship, you are partly responsible for each other's experience in the relationship since it is a symbiotic bond. 

If you want more communication or affection in your relationship, you ask your partner to work on bringing more communication or affection into your shared relationship. You don't tell them that they need to be more affectionate or communicative- instead, you tell them that you would like to both bring more of what you feel in needed into the relationship experience.

The relationship is a medium, and you as partners are the artists that mold and shape and decorate that 
medium. The experience and journey of exploring and cherishing and working on that medium is the relationship, and that medium is the only way you really get to experience the other deeply. You as partners are responsible for that medium so long as you maintain the agreement to stay in a relationship. 

What You Want More of, You Must First Give More Of
If you want more attention in your relationship, you must first give more attention to the relationship. You can't have what you don't give- and you only give what you get. It sounds cliche, but it is the truth. Before you can expect something, you really must first give it. And in doing so, you experience what you share. A relationship really is a culmination of the experiences two partners share with each other, and these experiences are first created within a partner and externalized within the relationship. There is nothing in your relationship that you don't already have within you.

If there is anger and hate in the relationship, it did not come from nowhere. It came first from within and was then externalized and projected and experienced in the relationship.

The same goes for what you don't have- if you don't have enough love and joy in the relationship, you are not finding and externalizing enough love and joy within yourself. We as humans all have the capacity to feel all the emotions. We have emotional energy, and we really can turn it into any emotion. That emotional energy is potential energy, and we really do have the power to transform it into the energy we choose.
With this in mind, choose to transform that energy into what you feel you would like to experience more of, and the more you transform that energy into what you want, the less energy you have to transform into what you don't want.

Make A Thorough Assessment of What You Want
Sit thoughtfully and consider what you want more of in the relationship. Instead of immediately thinking of what your partner isn't giving to you, think of how you can bring more of that into your relationship.
On the subject of harm or neglect, if you want more peace and fairness in your relationship, you must first bring that peace and fairness to the relationship yourself. That means you must stand your ground and demand equal treatment, and if that equality is not manifested, you must remember that you have the choice to end your experience in that relationship and move on.

Honestly, in order to make a thorough assessment, you must first assess yourself.
Are you being good to yourself? Forgiving yourself, loving yourself, maintaining your health?
If not, first you must treat yourself well, or else that neglect will just seep into the relationship and will trigger an even bigger, deeper experience of neglect.

Remember, what is without first is within.