When we enter relationships, we interact with a new person of facets and dimensions previously unbeknownst to us. We are never the same person with different people, and our experiences and connections are totally unique to the bond we share with this new person.
What could potentially be a new, fresh experience rife with potential and possibilities is often drastically limited with the emotional baggage, expectations, and preconceived notions both partners project onto each other. Instead of being with a person and sharing time and moments with each other, we label, analyze, and identify this new person through what we think we understand about their behavior, preferences, and personality.
We seek to "understand" and "peg down" our partner because we seek some form of control over this person who we have allowed under our skin. We are opening ourselves up to another and we are vulnerable- but instead of embracing this vulnerability, we become afraid of it and so we constantly project our own insecurities and fears onto our partner in an attempt to save ourselves from truly being with the person in totality. Because in totality, the partner possesses the full ability to hurt us. In totality, we are open and vulnerable, and we do not trust the partner to respect that vulnerable state. We are afraid that we will be attacked in our openness and vulnerability, so we resort to fear-based mechanisms in order to preserve ourselves.
Fear of Comparison
Partners are always attempting to control how the other perceives them. We want our partner to see all the good in us, and we do not trust that they will continue to give us love and affection once they learn about and experience the facets which we do not like.
This fear spreads easily and taints our interactions and intentions regarding our relationship. We become afraid of being compared to their previous partners because in those potential comparisons, the partner might find that we do not measure up to their previous lovers. We are afraid of being viewed as inadequate and we become jealous and anxious.
We fear that our partner is thinking about their past partners, that they are missing them and wanting to be with them rather than be with us. We feel envious because we want our partner's admiration and attention to be directed only towards us. This is the point where a great distinction needs to be made and self reflection is direly important.
Do you believe that your partner can only feel admiration towards you? Do you believe that you are the only person your partner will ever revere and appreciate, that you are the only person whose beauty your partner will recognize? Do you believe that you should be the center of your partner's universe?
If you hold such beliefs, you will always be disappointed and you will continue to create problems for yourself. Do you not admire others and see the good in others? How can you expect your partner to become blind to the wonderful aspects of others?
If you hold these beliefs, you must ask yourself why you have developed them. Did you feel a lack of love and appreciation in your childhood? Do you associate infidelity, distrust, and other dishonest behaviors and activities with your partner's interactions with others? If so, you must learn first to create happiness and an authentic foundation of wholeness by yourself, or else you will always depend on another to fulfill needs only you can fulfill.
Are you condemning your partner's past and disapproving their moral conduct?
If you are with your partner, you must accept their past and accept them in totality. You can not choose which aspects of your partner you want to keep.
If you do not approve of the way they conduct themselves, if you do not like the way they behave in the present, ask yourself why you are still with them.
But if you hold the actions of their past against your partner, you are only holding onto the past. Are they behaving in ways that are actually hurting you in the present? Or are you merely projecting the past onto the present and tainting the possibilities of joy and connection you two could share if you would only drop your anxieties and expectations?
If you expect your partner to act a certain way, they either may or may not, but projecting those expectations onto your partner, especially expectations based on your perception of their past experiences, will only lead you to disappointment and misery. Stop paying attention to your partner's past which you do not understand, and pay attention to your partner in the moment and in the present.
Be with your partner in the present in full. Be present with your partner.
If you fulfill your capacity to be with your partner in the moment, you will have no room to feel the insecurities and jealousies involving your partner's past. Be with your partner fully in the moment, start your interactions with innocence and freshness. Realize that to interact and connect with another soul is a beautiful process, and allow yourself to gain joy and be changed with each dynamic experience you two share. There will never be another moment like the moment you two can fill, so fill it to the brim. In order for anything to be filled with anything worthwhile, you must empty out anything stagnant,old, and destructive.
Be with your partner in the moment and let go of their past or expectations of the future, and you will find that the flow of connection you two share makes the past trivial. Happiness can only be found in the present, and partners may only share it in the present. Let go.