Sunday, September 22, 2013

How to Stop Thinking About Someone

Sometimes we meet certain people who cause us to fall into infatuation or even obsession over them. They possess certain special qualities and make us feel certain special ways that are extremely fascinating and enjoyable to us. Some of us are more prone to this kind of behavior- the "hopeless romantics" and the ones who "fall in love" at first sight are very well experienced with this sort of pattern.

This infatuation is natural but sometimes it gets to a point where it is crippling. We can no longer focus on our daily life and our plans and days revolve around that person- whether directly or indirectly. We dream and daydream about them, they are our first thoughts in the morning and the last thoughts before we fall asleep.

This endless thinking soon turns into aggravation and disappointment- we over-analyze everything they do and show up at places we expect them to be, then feel utterly idiotic and creepy for making such an effort to bump into them. The cute bubbly feeling of a crush soon turns into a dragging heavy burden. In order to alleviate ourselves from this pattern, we have to be able to stop thinking about them in such an imbalanced way.

Are We Neglecting Ourselves?
Instead of fully nurturing ourselves, are we placing that effort and intention onto someone else? Are we giving ourselves enough time and attention to function at our best and are we giving ourselves enough freedom and stimulus to grow?

Sometimes we focus on another so intently because it distracts us from our own challenges and growth. Instead of catering to our own needs and best interests, we project that intention onto that which is external to us. We sometimes do this because it is easier to face problems revolving around someone else than it is to really sift through and feel out all of our own tensions and issues. It is much easier to take the first step in initiating a project or goal revolving around someone else than it is to initiate the first step in changing and exploring ourselves.

The other becomes a convenient distraction from our own self love and self growth. This is actually a sign that we are not "right" for the other. For true love, intimacy, and connection to flourish, both entities involves must be grounded and secure enough in themselves and their lives. Under any other conditions, the two are grasping at each other for fulfillment instead of fulfilling themselves. For true connection and true happiness to occur, one must fulfill themselves and be self sufficient.

Engage yourself in more hobbies. Keep a journal. Make an effort to expand your health. Take care of yourself first.

Are We Over-Romanticizing An Imbalanced Reality?
It is perfectly natural to imagine life and possibilities with another person. The imagination needs to play and the rational mind needs a goal to pursue. Sometimes this balance between the imagination and the rational mind becomes totally lost and imagination and emotion take over.

When imagination and emotion, as well as attraction, take over the mind, one tends to look at the world through rose tinted glasses and an overly romantic point of view. Instead of staying grounded in reality, one attempts to project an idealistic and strictly dreamy perspective onto life. One only chooses to see the possibility instead of also considering limitation, one only chooses to dream of realities where true love and the ideal partner magically fix all of their problems. One projects too much drama and theatrics onto real life and disappointment, stagnation, and frustration will surely follow.

Ask yourself whether you are attempting to live life through an imbalanced point of view. Accept and embrace both logic and imagination, freedom and restriction, romance and practicality. The more you integrate balance into your life view, the less prone you will be to living on either ends of the spectrum and the middle ground will be that much more accessible and enjoyable. The middle ground is the most sustainable and effective.

Are We Over-Thinking the "Over-Thinking?"
Are you making yourself feel guilty or judging yourself for fantasizing about someone? It is perfectly normal and natural to thinking about someone you are attracted to quite frequently around the time you meet them and get to know them. Unless thinking about them is causing imbalance in your life and causing you to neglect yourself and your life, just allow yourself to think about them. Allow yourself to enjoy the moments of sighing and giggling over them. Allow yourself to fully feel this delight in another. This delight is fleeting and doesn't quite last, at least not with the initial intensity. Know that when and if you continue to get to know this person and truly enjoy their presence, this feeling of intense giddiness and excitement will transform into peaceful familiarity and comfort. You will no longer think about them so frequently and so much, but the way you feel about them will be much deeper and stable and the initial buzz of fantasy and wonder will transform into a sense of calm knowing. For this to occur, just allow all connections to run their natural course and allow yourself to see with balance and clarity.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

How to Stop Being Insecure

Insecurity is a mindset that plagues all of us. It can be extremely limiting and can cause us to do the strangest, most outlandish things to gain validation and assurance. Insecurity is a weakness that we must accept, observe, and heal in order to free ourselves from the limits we've imposed upon our lives based on beliefs of inadequacy and lack of confidence.

What is Insecurity?
Insecurity is the feeling inadequacy. Most of the time, these feelings of inadequacy are caused by the act of comparison. We compare ourselves- our bodies, abilities, looks, emotions, etc. to others. We make life a competition or a rating scheme. We assign value to our aspects and abilities on a relative scale and then we make it personal. We become those assigned values. We reduce others to those assigned values. Instead of recognizing ourselves and others are growing beings, we reduce them to a stagnant mass of different levels of quality/quantity/ability/etc. Then we take that perspective and try to get the most of it. We become possessive, obsessive, controlling, dismissive. We behave in ways that make us feel the most comfortable with our insecurities and ratings of others. We objectify ourselves and others and "connect" with the image and story we've assigned to ourselves and others. Instead of really connecting, we merely possess and maintain an image and that insecurity fuels us to maintain or polish and sharpen that image.
Insecurity is that image.

Why Are You Insecure?
It is okay to feel insecure sometimes. Insecurity is completely natural. Insecurity is a survival instinct. Insecurity can be helpful- it can help you gauge your position or your mindset towards a situation. We become insecure when we try new physical things, especially in the presence of others who are experienced in that activity- like a beginner weightlifter walking into a gym full of bodybuilders or a new driver. That beginner eventually gets over that insecurity through practice and concentration because they have to. They know that if they don't improve their skills and mindset, they will get hurt. Insecurity is natural and relieved in a relatively straightforward manner because the beginner knows they are a beginner.

Yet in other experiences of insecurity, we forget that it is okay to be a beginner and that it is okay not to be good at something. Instead of recognizing ourselves as individuals attempting to improve a skill or trying something new, we over-identify with our inadequacy and believe we are inadequate.
The overweight person over-identifies with their larger body and reduces themselves to the "fat" girl or the "big: guy. The person who finds them-self as unattractive over-identifies with their appearance and reduces them self to "ugliness." This over-identification can cause them to seek validation through overcompensation. They can just be the "really funny one" or the "really smart one"- seeing these better traits as ways to compensate for their self imposed inadequacies. These overcompensate actions and mindsets can cause them to pursue a life of delusion. They are no longer true to themselves- they instead commit to a story, a mental image, in order to maintain their beliefs of self value and self worth.

This may also happen in a less direct way. The insecure partner who is not happy with themselves will hold on too tightly to their partner and become possessive and controlling. The person who is not happy with themselves may become overly defensive and victimize themselves constantly- blaming the world and believing that everyone is too callous and harsh to be truly happy around. The person who clings too tightly to one of two of their self perceived best traits can become arrogant and conceited- developing a superiority complex because they hold on too tightly to that one polished aspect.

All these insecurities stem from the fact that one has not accepted themselves and is not happy with one's self. These insecurities are a sign that one has many unresolved issues that need to be healed and beliefs that need to be let go of so that one may stop looking for validation externally and victimizing themselves.

How To Deal With Insecurity
Insecurities are deeply personal. I would honestly suggest keeping a journal and writing about what you felt and thought during your bouts of inadequacy. If you keep track of these instances, you will notice patterns that lead back to the same issues. You must work through these issues yourself and find ways to resolve these issues.

I suggest that during this time of heightened awareness of self healing, you engage in a hobby that brings you joy and gets you out of your head. Try connecting with nature and/or others by going on hikes, taking yoga classes, learning how to draw, learning a new musical instrument, learning how to dance, or anything that seems fun to you. Allow yourself to pursue this new hobby without judgment and recognize yourself as a beginner. Journal about these experiences as well and compare them with your entries on insecurity.

I also suggest spending a few hour doing volunteer work. Helping others without expecting anything in return really puts you in the moment and gets you out of head and helps you just feel in the present moment. The more you feel in the present moment, the less you adhere to your mental images and stories in the moment. Allow yourself to surrender to the moment and actions- fully give yourself to that moment. Like stretching and feeling the tension and relief in your extremities, allow yourself to fully stretch in your hobbies.

Relieving deep seated insecurity is all about self exploration and healing. The less you tell yourself that story and prescribe value to yourself and others based on comparison and the need for validation, the more you fully allow yourself to live and just be. Allow yourself to just be as often as possible and allow yourself to be natural. Do not over-identify with your abilities and thoughts, and you will allow yourself the space and openness require for healing and health.

You deserve your love and time, so allow yourself to give it.

All the best,

Monday, September 2, 2013

How to Find Your Soul Mate and Why You Should Stop Looking

Some of you have this idea that your soul mate will save you from your own unhappiness. Some of you have this idea that you can magically manifest your ideal relationship through the use of vision boards, positive affirmations, and detailed lists of traits you look for in a partner. Some of you will get exactly what you ask for- which would be affirmation and reinforcements of your beliefs. If you believe your soulmate will make you forget your own unhappiness- you will....temporarily. If you believe your ideal partner will share a blissful, wonderful, balanced, conscious relationship with you, you will....temporarily.

The whole point of this article is to illustrate the flaws and incoherent ideas regarding the search for the soulmate. I am not a cynic, but I do believe that if you are fervently searching for a soulmate- you have personal aspects that need tending to first and foremost.

Your Soul Mate Will Not Complete You
Nobody in this world will truly complete you because you are already complete by yourself. You do not need anyone to make up for that which you lack. Those lacks are illusory and caused by false beliefs and ego-based identifications. Opposites attract but they do not coexist for long because like resonates with like. Drop the belief that somebody will save you from yourself or from your own situations. Your salvation and development and self exploration and self healing is your responsibility.

You Want A Perfectly Tailored Life Companion
Your list of traits you want in a soulmate reads like an heiress's specialty coffee order during her midweek juice cleanse. You expect your partner to fit your life perfectly like a glove. You expect your soulmate to psychically understand how and why you want to be treated the way you do. You expect your soulmate to basically be made for you. Is another really created for the purpose of another? This is codependence at its subtlest.
By expecting your partner to act and be a certain way, you destroy many opportunities for the growth, acceptance, and unconditional love that the entire concept of soulmates and true love perpetuate from.

You Need That Special Someone to Complete Your Life
You expect that once your soulmate enters your life, a torrent of bliss and heavenly euphoria will flood your life and will continue to fuel your existence throughout the extent of your time together. Placing such a high hope on a future condition means you are not content with your present. If you direly want a soulmate for this reason, you must learn how to exist in solitude and be happy alone. You must allow yourself to explore solitude and your true self in the absence of others. If you depend on another to bring you to a state of happiness, you are not truly ready to accept and experience that state of happiness because you have not allowed yourself to access it from within.

You Want That Someone Who Will Catapult You Into A Torrent of Spiritual Growth
If you depend on another to learn about accepting reality and loving yourself, you will be severely disappointed. Although it is very true that in intimate relationships, there are many opportunities to accept
another being just as they are and to practice unconditional love. You can do this anytime with yourself or with anyone you encounter. You don't need someone to become close to you to practice this.

What Is A Soulmate?
Well, if a soulmate isn't merely someone who will be tailor fit to your life, if a soulmate isn't someone made to make you feel complete, and if a soulmate is someone who wasn't brought into existence for the sake of your spiritual exploration, what is a soulmate?
If you believe in fate and destiny, you may believe that there are soul's pre-arranged to be together because they may learn lessons together. I personally do not like to believe this, at least entirely. You can learn those lessons with them, or you can live presently so that your need to go through such lessons is lessened and you reduce the intensity of your momentum towards those conditions.
I believe that after we die, we are no different from each other. We are just energy and consciousness. So if anything is pre-arranged, it only matters here on Earth based on conditions of Earth. We can not approach the concept of a soulmate from a purely Earthly matter nor can we approach it from a merely transcendental, eternal soul sort of way. We must find a way to incorporate both ideas into a concept that works in balance between both worlds.

On Earth, we have personalities and natural affinities that do exist. We can accept these natural affinities without over-identifying with them and limiting our understanding of ourselves and others. Our natural affinities are sometimes changeable and sometimes very stubborn. Due to these natural affinities, we are attracted to certain types of people. This attraction speaks to abundantly and subconsciously. Biologically, we are attracted to those who possess genes we would like to pass on to our own children. Emotionally, we are attracted to those who possess the capacity to stimulate/handle/accept our emotions, depending on the person and the extent of their self realization. Spiritually, we're attracted to those who can share the same beliefs as us and practice the same rituals or devotion, or introduce us to beliefs we feel we would do best to take up. These attractions are conditional- what if the other changes? We are not attracted to them as much as before. Still, do we love them? 

I think attraction lubricates the process of forming intimate relationships, but ultimately, all intimate relationships depend on the quality of love exchanged between two individuals. If one individual can not unconditionally love themselves and others, then their unconditional love for the other individual is false. If you can only practice unconditional love for one person, it is not unconditional love- it is disguised as unconditional love but it is not so. Unconditional love knows no boundaries- it is a state accessed from within. It is a flow of life and energy. 

The sun does not choose where to shine, but the Earth takes up certain shapes and timings that cause the sunlight to shine more brightly and warmly in some places than others. Still, are you going to take the role as the sun radiating unconditional light, or are you going to be the technicalities and physicality of the Earth that dictate the flow of sunlight?

Unconditional love does not mean you will bend over backwards for everyone, become a saint, or never react to a situation. Unconditional love means that you see the infinite truth in others. Unconditional love is seeing others clearly without making their actions/words about you. Unconditional love is allowing awareness and grace to fill your existence in solitude that you bubble up and wish to express and spread such a wonderful gift- whether it be through a reverent glance, a kind word, a gentle touch, or a receptive ear. It is not demanding of others what you are fully capable of giving to yourself, and it is not giving in to others' similar demands of you. You just love because you have broken through your false barriers and illusory perceptions of the world and the energy of love just flows through you and fills you.

I believe that once you find within yourself the flow of love you once sought, everything else falls into place. You will attract the right opportunities to realize more and more of that love. You will meet with a special other who you find joy in learning about and interacting with more than others. In a field full of flowers, your spot in the ground, your seedling, will be close enough to theirs that your roots and leaves touch intimately and naturally. Like all truth, the idea is quite paradoxical but it makes perfect sense.

So if you are actively seeking out your soul-mate, try learning and attending to your own soul instead.