Tuesday, January 7, 2014

How Do You Get Over Someone? How to Get Over Your Ex/ How to Deal with Heartbreak

How do you get over someone?

How do you stop yourself from constantly thinking about them, wondering what they're up to, wondering if they still walk the same familiar routes you were so used to seeing them travel, wondering if they ever think of you and how they think of you and whether or not they want to?

How do you stop having feelings for someone?

How do you stop yourself from feeling overjoyed at the sound of their name and equally destroyed at the thought of their face looking adoringly at someone other than you? How do you deal with a certain empty feeling that ensues after someone so integral to your life, your style, your being, is no longer there beside you, creating a life with you?

How do you accept the fact that the special someone is creating a life without you?

There are lots of ways to go about it- many of these resulting in failure and some even cause an increase in the severity of your feelings. I know though, that there is a much easier, much more uplifting, much more painless, and much more (believe it or not) enjoyable way of finding closure within yourself and allowing yourself to focus on new chapters of your life that involve new people and a crucial new relationship with yourself based on gentleness, love, understanding, and honesty.

As with all journeys and processes, you must ask yourself a series of questions. Those listed aren't all of them, but I hope they give you a bit of a friendly prod towards the right direction. When you go in the right direction, momentum builds, and you will find yourself far into a better, brighter existence. Cheers to that.

How Much Are You Hurting?
Although the main goal of getting over someone is to stop hurting, most of us do not fully allow ourselves to truly be present with our pain. We suffer extensively because we morph our pain into something it isn't by ignoring it or over-identifying with it. If we really take the time and awareness to be present with our pain, we can gain clarity about how much we are truly hurting and where we are hurting. Then we can heal.

So how does one become present with their pain?

The next time your hurting, really let it hit you. Don't reach for any of your safety blankets (i.e. food, movies, t.v. shows, any subtle forms of escapism). Don't reach for any of your intangible safety blankets either (don't resort to engaging yourself in bouts of anger, blame, or shame because those happen to be your comfortable standpoints.) Just feel the pain. Follow it, through your body, your heart, and your thoughts. How does your body feel? Follow those sensations, really get a sense of clarity as to how your body is affected.

Feel your emotions, can you describe them? If they were a color, a texture, a taste, or a scent, could you make any comparisons? Do these emotions make you feel powerless, weak, focused?

How about your thoughts? Where does your mind go to? What themes are being emphasized? What core beliefs in your possession is your attention being directed towards?

Pay attention to where your pain directs you. Pain is like an arrow, it points to the source.

Maybe when you really miss that person and it hits you hard, you get an aching feeling through your chest, as if a sharp object pierced you. Maybe that makes it hard for you to breath, and you feel suffocated. Maybe you feel emotional states such as abandonment, despair, and hopelessness. Maybe your thoughts lead you to your belief that no one understands you, you do not fit in, and only that one person truly got you, truly got to the real you, and you feel incomplete or somewhat useless with them to bring your essence out and really see you.

See? Your pain points to your beliefs. It is your choice whether you want to live life at the mercy of your beliefs formed through life experiences. Or you can decide that what you seek out in life, you will find, and you can decide to stop seeking out experiences that supply you with a steady state of proof behind that belief, even though it fails to serve you. It is your choice.

How Much Are You Enjoying?
How much are you enjoying life and taking care of yourself despite these feelings?

Do you treat yourself well or do you neglect yourself? Do you make time to be attentive to your needs and desires, or do you simply put them on the back burner and assume autopilot mode? Do you partake in hobbies or interests? Do you give yourself healthy foods and healthy messages? Do you do things that make you feel good and peaceful and happy in a responsible, sustainable manner?

There is no way to uplift yourself from the negative whirlpool of emotions and energy of a bad breakup/ goodbye if you do not do things that are on a higher level of emotions and energy. If you want to get to higher ground, there has to be higher ground? Do you build yourself a higher ground or do you continue to build only on the level you wish to escape from?

Make sure you take care of yourself and nurture your needs and desires. Have fun, be silly, live as your inner child again. This will catapult you far, far away from the suffering. Follow your heart, follow what makes you feel good. Listen to your soul and feed your soul generously.

How Much Are You Indulging?
Are you listening to the saddest albums imaginable, replaying old songs that hold sentimental meaning, pouring over old love letters and photographs?

Stop doing that to yourself. Stop gripping the past and indulging yourself in it. The past is over, and when you're over that person, you can extract more happiness from retrospection, but for now you are hurting. Put the memorabilia away.

Refocus your thoughts the next time you catch yourself glorifying their beautiful smile, their unique walk, the way they say certain words. Tell yourself, hey that's cool that they do that, but there is beauty in others I can and will observe. Focus on the beauty of yourself, of nature, or great literature, of great art. Amaze yourself with other masterpieces. Expand your experiences of beauty and captivation and breathlessness. There are so many options.

How Much Are You Resisting?
Okay, so you still think about them lots and sometimes repeatedly over-analyze the things they've said and how they said it, the glance they gave you, the way their voice rose. It's going to happen, but don't resist it. Let yourself come to some explanation and try to just observe your mind coming to those conclusions. Don't get too involved- its a movie in your mind, just a series of thought. You can redirect where your mind goes.

Accept that you think about them, want them, and are hurting. Know it, and accept it, and then move on, because the sooner you accept it and say, okay this is happening, the more clarity you let in. Clarity will guide you to a happier place.

Don't resist how life worked out thus far. Accept it. Find things to appreciate about the situation. Laugh and shrug off your mistakes, forgive yourself, and forgive them. Surrender it.

How Much Are You Looking Forward?
How are you supposed to move on if you don't know where you're moving onto?

Get clear on where you want to be and go. How do you want to feel when you wake up in the morning? What reasons do you want to integrate into your life that cause this to happen? How do you want to feel when you greet yourself in the mirror, when you look at the sunset, when you go about your day? How do you want to feel the moment you fall asleep?

Get to know your desires and take steps towards them. The tiniest steps make huge differences. A shift in emotion can be as easy and simple and deceptively trivial as a viral video, a funny noise, a stupid face. You're a kid inside, let that flow.

Be patient with yourself and be gentle. Be loving. Explore yourself and explore where you want to be and explore where you're currently at. Take primary residence in the space that makes you feel truly good and happy. Open your heart and let it flow and bleed and cry and heal and renew.

Many proverbial sayings can be added, but I think you can the point. I wish you the best of luck, and you will make it.


Sunday, January 5, 2014

Stick to Your New Year's Resolutions: Why New Years Resolutions Don't Work and How to Change That

The New Year has come and a great many of us are still riding the motivational high of the promise of change and improvement emphasized by this new start. After a few weeks, days, or even hours, that high will die down and our to-do lists, micromanaged schedules, gym memberships, produce drawer, and daily journals will be thrown on the back-burner. We'll do this once, twice, and completely forget our new year's resolutions and abandon all hope and all effort towards achieving what we felt so excited and inspired to do.

A major problematic aspect of this trend is intensity. It's quite easy to pump ourselves up and get excited about new goals- the inspiration feels real and extreme. Yet this feeling quickly fades and the motivation doesn't last because that level of intensity is (for most of us) unsustainable.

Just like nothing drastic really happens at the turn on the second hand carrying us from one year to the other, we can't really expect a drastic change from ourselves. In order for permanent change to occur, it must be sustainable change and we must implement do-able and sustainable techniques to allow this change to become our new normal. Growth is much easier and much more achievable when it is down slowly and steadily. We have to give ourselves many chances to acclimate to our desired heights. Are you compromising yourself by not allowing this to happen?

Your Goals Are Unrealistic
I don't mean to promote a self limiting belief, but we have to be honest with ourselves and where we're at. If you haven't touched a pair of running shoes and have been eating frozen dinners, then your goal of adopting a 5k a day running regime and eating only boiled chicken and lettuce is a pretty unrealistic goal. This goal is unrealistic because you are expecting a huge change of yourself whilst skipping the small steps that help stabilize a foundation that allows permanent change to occur. This is like standing at the bottom of a step of stairs having never exercised in your life and expecting yourself to jump a vertical high enough to clear an entire flight of steps. What is more realistic, gentle, and honest is the goal to reach the first step, get comfortable with that, and then jump to the second, the third, and so on.

Dreaming of your new life as a fit superhuman is great, but don't skimp out on the smaller steps that secure your place at the top. Take the time to break down your goals and give yourself ample time. Implement one small change during comfortably placed increments and work with that schedule. Your small change should challenge you a bit, but it should be doable enough that you can easily adopt it after a bit of effort. Exchange salad for bread one week. Only eat dessert three times a week the next week, drop it down to only twice in 2 weeks. Don't torture yourself by carrying a weight so heavy it brings you to your knees. Be gentle and firm- sustainable change is a balancing act that requires a great deal of patience.

Your Goals Are Blind and You're Doing It For Wrong Reasons
Having goals is integral to growth but what is even more essential is understanding why you are pursuing your goals. If you blindly set goals without really taking the time to examine yourself and why that goal is important enough for you to pursue, then the goal is most likely meaningless. Meaningless goals offer no authentic inspiration.

Think about your goal. Why do you want to pursue that goal? How do you think you will feel when you achieve that goal? Are you trying to impress someone by achieving that goal or are you doing it for your own self benefit? Are you pursuing this goal because you want to work towards positive change or is the fuel for your goal made up of negative self criticisms and self hate?

Goals that are fueled by negativity usually result in negativity and that means that the process will be unhappy which makes it harder to achieve. If you do achieve your goal, you won't be happy anyways. Don't let yourself use negativity as a fuel. Find positive, self loving reasons to pursue this goal. Don't do it because you're ashamed, you're angry, you're jealous, or you need a reason to be proud. Do it because it will make your life better, it will make your life more enjoyable, it helps you experience fun, it makes you feel good.

For example, you might want to lose weight and become ridiculously attractive because you want to make your ex-partner jealous and you hold a grudge against fit, slim people. You might pick up a gym membership and start working out, but while working out you might see people more fit than you and think angry, begrudging thoughts towards them. You'll spend half of your workout comparing yourself to others. You might go to the grocery store and stock up on produce, and you might see another fitter person buying less healthy produce and you might spend a great deal of your shopping time criticizing them. You might lose weight and get fitter, and when you go out you might judge other people who you deem pathetic because they're too lazy to work out. You might see your ex out and about with a new date and you might make a fool of yourself trying to show off, expecting your ex to break down at the sight of your possible chiseled glory. This won't make you happy, this makes you contemptuous. This contempt is created because instead of changing for yourself, you pursue change due to an external source of motivation.

Happiness is internal, so how can you expect to be happy and bring about happy change when you are looking for it in the external?

Your Beliefs Cause Resistance
Maybe you don't believe in yourself. Maybe you think change has to be painful and excruciating. Maybe you don't believe you deserve to get that promotion, or find that beautiful relationship, or wear that new dress 2 sizes smaller than your current. Maybe deep down you associate high earning jobs with greed, fit people with shallowness, happy relationships with fantasy.

These beliefs limit you. In order to release these beliefs, you must find them in yourself which requires self examination and self exploration. You must ask yourself why you believe this and then tell yourself it isn't necessarily true. You must allow yourself to believe new beliefs more conducive to your goals.

You Don't Forgive Yourself and You Have Coping Mechanisms Because of This
We all make mistakes and we all have moments where our will power is less than ideal. This is okay and normal and you need to be able to forgive yourself and refocus yourself so that you come back to alignment with your goal instead of spiraling into a state of abandon and regret.

Sometimes instead of forgiving ourselves, we do not allow ourselves to feel through the shame or guilt or embarrassment something we've done has caused us. At the first sign of that feeling, instead of paying attention to it and observing it, we reach for something to cover it up. Check yourself the next time you start thinking of a mistake you've made or something unpleasant you haven't quite gotten over. Do you reach for food, a cigarette, your phone? What are your coping mechanisms and how are they limiting you?

Or you could go the other way and completely surrender to those feelings and thoughts that make you feel bad. You keep feeding the fire by recalling other times you've made mistakes or feel you've been wronged. You get angry, sad, depressed. You might feel it to such an extent that you no longer see a point in your goals. This is also a coping mechanism that keeps you from having to grow and be vulnerable and expose yourself to new pains because you haven't gotten over old pains.You subconsciously choose to suffer because it is easier and it is comfortable. Be aware.

Adopt New Habits
Change is really about adopting new habits that replace old ones.Change can be doable and even enjoyable. Start small and start slow. Work your way up. Be gentle with yourself. Understand yourself. Be honest and open with yourself. Do research, write in your journal, explore different view points and perspectives. Enjoy the process and use your inner guidance. Question why your inner guidance works the way it does. Practice appreciation and patience and tell yourself it's possible and probable.

Happy new years. Be unstoppable.