Wednesday, July 25, 2012

How to Get Over Someone Part 2: Associations

Associations and beliefs created during the relationship remain long after the breakup. These create residual tendencies and emotional habits that one continues to experience so long as they remain unexamined. In order to let go, one must understand why these associations were initially created.

An association is essentially a connection.
Generally speaking, the shape of a heart is associated with romance.
The color yellow is associated with sunshine.
Your former flame's cologne is associated with the intimacy of being able to appreciate the scent while enjoying physical contact and comfort.

Associations can easily bring about old memories and the emotions experienced during such occurrences. These emotions may lead one to feeling needy- as if fulfillment can only be found in the past.
By doing so, one idealizes the past and experiences a painful sort of nostalgia.

To combat such nostalgia, one must understand why they reminisce.

Usually, if one's needs are fulfilled in the present moment, they do not feel an urge to look to the past in order to remember and more or less re-experience situations in which their needs are being met.

Still, associations sneak beneath the complex interactions which happen during relationships. You feel fine, until you pass by the place the two of you went on your first date, and suddenly you feel a rush of lack and longing for the past.

In relationships, needs become much more intricate. Duties and expectations create needs. When you are single, you do not need someone to call you on time every Tuesday night. You do not need someone to remember a certain dates that occur every month or year. You do not need the things and gestures that you expect from a partner. Being in a committed relationship creates new needs.

During a relationship,when your needs are met, you create associations with that fulfillment. 

You associate the seasonal Starbuck's pumpkin spice latte with your need for someone to hold your hand for ten city blocks while balancing your umbrella and occasionally planting kisses on your forehead when the traffic lights turn a certain color being fulfilled.
You associate red high heels with your need for someone to pick you up and swing you in a warm embrace after not seeing them for two weeks being fulfilled.
You associate a certain song with your need for someone to express gratitude towards you after you forgive them during a 5 hour phone call regarding the very emotional circumstances of a stressful and misleading situation being fulfilled.

You can also create associations of your needs not being met.
You associate that certain street with the time you really expected your partner to show up but failed to do so.
You associate that specific color blue with the color of the girl's eyes whom he cheated on you with.
You associate that certain word with the phrase your partner used when glazing over subjects which you hold dear.

In order to free yourself from the direct impact of your associations, you must analyze them.
You must acknowledge the reasons why you are feeling their resonance in your life in the present moment. You must accept that you are feeling lack in your life in the present moment, but you must also accept the fact that you have the ability to fulfill yourself and free yourself.

You must learn to discern between actual lack of fulfillment during your present life and the lack of fulfillment projected by your associations.
Do you actually feel unsatisfied with your appearance, or is the certain outfit you are wearing reminding you of the time your partner disapproved insensitively?
Do you actually feel unsatisfied with your current friendships, or are your associations with the unique intimacy experienced during your former relationship causing you to project onto your existing relationships?

Associations can create suffering when they take you out of your present moment.
The entire concept of needs being fulfilled depends on expectations to be set.
When you do not set expectations in the present moment, then associations will not have a negative effect on you and they will simply be neutral.

Neutral associations do not trigger emotional or bodily response.
They do not involve the projection of your needs and wants or expectations. 
Once you are over someone, your associations with them will be more or less neutral.

You will associate them with their car, but the next time you see that kind of car, you do not feel a longing for the rush of joy you felt during amusing occurrences which took place inside of it. 
Basically, you will see the connection but you will not feel any emotional reverberations.

Associations are tied with memory. You will always have memories and associations, but memories and associations will not always possess emotional/mental/bodily triggers that take you out of your present moment.

In order to get over someone, you must get over the majorly subconscious connections created during your time together. 
The next time you feel sad regarding your ex partner for "no apparent reason", look around yourself. Observe if you are in a situation which calls upon a bad association. Then discern between that cause of sadness or a cause of sadness created during your present moment.

Do not try and categorize associations strictly. They are simply what they are- residual connections preserved and facilitated by your subconscious. Do not let your subconscious rule your emotions. Process your emotions with awareness. Be in the moment during this process.

Give yourself the time and space you need in order to understand your associations. Listen to your intuition during this process. Nurture yourself- eat healthily, listen to uplifting music, read books that make you happy, go out with people who you genuinely like being around, do yoga, get exercise, meditate. 

The more you care for yourself in the present moment, the less you will be subject to pain inflicted from associations.

The more you care and listen to yourself in the present moment, the less you will feel compelled on "working" towards getting over someone.

Friday, July 13, 2012

How to Love Yourself: Part 1: Detachment

Love is an energy.
Love is a state of total acceptance, harmony, and truth.
True love with another individual is virtually impossible unless one truly loves themselves. This self love requires an honest and deliberate look into one's self and inner environment in order to be accessed. 

Tuning Into the Flow
Love resonates from within first- any attempts at finding love outside of the self are futile and shall create new bonds, associations,and expectations that will cause suffering and disappointment.

Accept Yourself
We can not truly accept others if we do not accept ourselves.
Self acceptance demands detachment from the illusory qualities we define ourselves with.

You are not your life story.
You are not the emotions you feel, the problems you solve, the job you work, the friends you keep, the country you're from. 
You are not your favorite sports team, your weekly/nightly/daily/monthly/yearly habits, your interests and hobbies, your talents, your achievements, your successes, and your failures.
You are not the result of the relationships that failed, the diet you commit to, your lifestyle choices, or the knowledge in your head.

These qualities are merely action. Action is temporary. You are an essence that is permanent, although the ways in which you express your essence and your awareness of your essence are also temporary. Action and expression are not who you are.

You must detach from all of these temporal qualities. Detachment allows you to observe these temporal qualities in a neutral manner. 

To reach detachment, you must fully know that you do not depends on any temporary aspects to define yourself.

Who are you once you take away your style?
Who are you once you take away your background?
Who are you once you take away all of the associations and attachments you've created and acquired over the years?

You are not your "personality."
Everyone is a unique individual. 
Everyone possesses a unique set of talents and skills and personal tendencies.
Yet these unique sets of talents and skills and personal tendencies can be easily changed- they are temporary.

Someone weak can become strong.
Someone ignorant can become knowledgeable.
Someone shy can act and become outgoing.
Someone feminine can act and become masculine.
You can not become another soul.

You must learn to detach from who you think you are based on the illusory level of the personality.
Although analyzing and observing personalities can be  useful, the state of love does not at all depend on personality traits.
Attaching to personality traits creates a duality within yourself that hinders the flow of love.

How can you love and accept yourself while reinforcing personality traits that you like and dislike?
You will never fully accept yourself if you keep associating yourself with attributes you like AND dislike, love AND hate.

You are not your personality traits, you are merely engaging in behavior that can be labeled as such. Once you engage in these behaviors repeatedly, they become a habit or tendency. Your "personality" is just a set of habits and tendencies. Again, these are temporary. Detach from them.

You Are Not Your History
You are not your past. You are not your life story.
All of the events which you have experienced have ended, they do not continue to exist, they are gone- mere memory in your head which is altered every time it is recalled.
The past is temporary.

Detach from the past. Detach from the choices you've made before, detach from the habits you've created in the past that no longer serve you. 

Love exists within the present.
In the present, we have the power to love ourselves fully and accept ourselves. We can only make choices in the present. We can only find peace and harmony in the present. Awareness must be fully shifted to the present moment in order to become fully aware of love.

Forgive your past. Heal yourself from the past by allowing the healing from love to flow during the present. Allow yourself to fully experience this moment.
You are not the mistake you've made, although you might still be dealing with the consequences. Consider this a learning experience and do not allow yourself to become fully immersed in your "failures." 

Trust that once you've tuned into love and remain in the state of love, you will not make choices that cause you suffering and disappointment.

You Are Not Your Expectations and Associations
You are not the expectations you place upon yourself. These future goals and achievements are cumulative experiences you expect yourself to undergo, but they do not define you.
You are not your job promotion, graduate degree, future perfect body.

These goals and expectations are useful, but do not attach yourself to them. Committing to a goal is a journey, do not become too fixated on the destination.

Accept yourself as you are in this moment. You can not only  "love" who you think you "will be." You can only love yourself in the moment.

You Are Not the Roles You Play
We all play different "roles."
We fulfill expectations and engage in behaviors that can be conveniently labeled.

We can be the mother, father,husband, wife, brother, sister, daughter, son, girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend, worst enemy, care taker, teacher, student, supporter, boss,  partner, leader, follower, etc...

You are not the roles you play. 
All roles are a set of associations and expectations. 
All roles are merely labels- anyone can behave and act beyond the limits of their titles.

Detach yourself from these titles. 
Although some roles do resonate with love and caring, they are merely labels which we place upon ourselves.
Look within yourself, beyond these conventions and beyond these attributes.

Your True Self
Recognize who you truly are.
In this moment, you are a being that exists.
You choose which state you would like to exist in.
Allow yourself to exist in the state of love.
Once you let go of the illusory components of your being, choosing love becomes easier. Resistance weakens.

The detachment process brings up many old wounds and emotions that need to be processed. You may not like the feelings and energies that resurface, but remember, you are not those feelings and energies. They are merely residue of your past which you can let go of by becoming aware of and detaching from. 

The detachment process will also bring up residue regarding other people. Practice the art of letting go. These dynamics will be explored more deeply in a future post. 

Love is a state without attachments.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

How to Stop Being a Possessive, Controlling Partner

**UPDATE: I have recently published a new eBook- "Before You Cheat: A Guide to Reclaiming Your Life from Infatuation, Obsession, and Infidelity." It is available for download on Amazon: Thank you so much for your support.**

Being a possessive, controlling partner can and will ruin a potentially great relationship. If you would like to save your relationship and improve your connection with your partner, you must understand why you are being possessive and controlling. You must resolve the internal conflicts that cause you to behave in a way that negatively restricts your partner's life. You must also change the nature of your relationship choices.

Why You Feel the Need to Be Possessive and Controlling

Lack of Trust and Respect
When you attempt to control another human being and restrict their life according to your preferences, you are greatly disrespecting them. You either do not respect your partner or you do not respect yourself. 

Respect and trust go hand in hand. If you do not respect your partner, then you can not fully trust your partner. If you do not believe they are your equal, then you will never be able to place the amount of confidence and appreciation in your partner that allows a relationship to work. 

Understand why you look down on your partner. What do they do or fail to do that keeps you from considering them as an equal? Usually, the answers are lead back to self prescribed deficiencies. You are most likely projecting these deficiencies onto your partner because you do not want to claim responsibility for them yourself. 

For example, you may be shy and your partner may be very friendly. Secretly, you know you act shy because you are afraid of getting to know people and become nervous when meeting anyone. You are uncomfortable. But you see your partner being friendly, and instead of accepting that your partner has developed his or her social abilities more than you have, you label your partner's behavior as "sketchy", "flirtatious", "suspicious"...etc. Thus the cycle of accusation and jealousy begins. This cycle will never step as long as you see the problem beginning with your partner when it truly begins with yourself.

Thus is the actual lack of self respect. You do not fully respect yourself enough to change the aspects within you that you dislike or see as anti-progressive. You do not want to face your insecurities, so you give the power away to your partner and blame them for your inner lack of content. 
You must claim back your power and responsibility and stop expecting your partner to make you fully happy.

Sometimes the mistrust and disrespect actually do have appropriate grounds. You may behave in this way because of mistakes your partner has made e.g. cheating, lying, mistreating you. Again, this only points back to a lack of self respect. 
If you are mistreated, you are better off leaving the relationship and finding someone who treats you well. But this requires a great amount of conviction, which most people who lack self respect do not usually have. Thus they stay in the relationship in hopes of changing their partner.

Trying to Change Your Partner

This matter is easily resolved.

Why did you choose to be with your partner?
Were you not aware of their "flaws" and "shortcomings" during the initial stages?
You probably had a good grasp of your partner's personality and interests when you began dating them. People do not adopt an entire new set of habits and tendencies once you two become official.

Yet many possessive and controlling partners express disdain for their partner's habits and tendencies. They put a great amount of stress on the relationship because their partner will not or fails to act in a new way that satisfies them.

Relationships require compromise. Partners must communicate in order to express their feelings and concerns. A loving partner will do his or her best to make the relationship more comfortable. Yet there is a huge difference between trying to change your partner and trying to grow with them.

You can not mold your partner into an idealized shell of what you consider the right partner for you. You can only grow with your partner. Growing with your partner requires self growth first and foremost. This all leads to giving yourself the respect required to lovingly look at the aspects of yourself you'd like to change and become peaceful with. 

If you can not grow with your partner, the relationship is futile, and it is best for both of you that you call it quits. Trying to change your partner will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever work.


Jealousy also requires self exploration.
We become jealous and envious because we are uncomfortable with our partners loving other people. When this becomes inappropriate, then that is a cue for us to talk to our partners about it lovingly. If this continues to happen, then we need to leave. Yet most possessive and controlling partners do not have a righteous grounds for their jealousy.

We become jealous because we feel threatened. We do not want anyone to take our partner's affections from us. We do not want to lose any love or admiration, nor do we want to share.
Truth is, everyone has to share.

Your partner deserves to have friends.
You can not be the only person in your partner's life. Accept it.
You can not give your partner everything in every way; your partner has friends to share experiences with. You can not be the only person with whom your partner explores life.

Your partner is going to love other people.
Romantic love isn't the only love that exists. Inevitably, your partner will care deeply for other people. Your partner will always love other people; he or she will always want to express admiration, give affection, and offer support to them. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. 

Your partner is going to always want and need time and space.
Relationships were not meant to be codependent.
Relationships only work well between two self-sufficient people. Your partner will not depend on you for everything. Your partner will always need some time and space to themselves to just be by themselves. This does not necessarily they need an escape from you. Respect your partner's need for solitude.

Resolving Internal Issues

If you have been a possessive and controlling partner, you have placed stress and tension within your relationship and have hindered the flow of understanding and love. You need to first look within and understand why you are projecting your problems onto your partner. Only you have the power to make yourself feel respected and complete. If you are in a relationship which creates a draining environment, then see if you are causing that draining feeling. Communicate. If nothing improves, then leave.

Consider if you are actually ready for a relationship. 
A relationship necessitates growth and expansion. You need to be capable of loving yourself fully before you can fully love somebody else. You can not take care of someone if you can not take care of yourself. You can not effectively fulfill someone else's needs and nurture them if you can not take care and give to yourself. 

Recommended Posts:
How To Stop Fighting With Your

How to Stop Trying to Control Your Partner

How to Make The Right Choices

How to Apply the Law of Fuck Yes or No

How to Get Over Romantic Apathy

How to Bring Back Passion Into Your Relationship

How to Deal With and Release Emotions

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

How to Get Over Someone Part 1: The Fear

Relationships happen- they are initiated, experienced, and sometimes ended. While many benefits come from appreciating and observing relationships you've had in the past, becoming "stuck" on one or not being able to "get over" somebody can be extremely detrimental to your dating life, romantic outlook, and sometimes...sanity.
   We can not get over somebody or move on from them because of fear. This fear comes in many forms, sometimes manifested as one, a few, or all and more of the following.

   1) You Are Scared That There Is Nobody Else For You

         You believe that you can not be with anybody else. That person was either the "partner of your dreams" or "perfect" for you. You do not believe that you will be able to "do better", and that everybody else will be a downgrade you will have to settle down for. 

Take them off of that pedestal. Do not continue to invest in limiting beliefs that reinforce the reality that they are the only person on Earth who can possibly make you happy. You do not a partner to be happy, you must learn to be happy yourself. Once you can make yourself happy, you will be less likely to place future partners on pedestals and you will abstain from idealizing others.

            Sometimes we desire others because they have a quality we lack. Find that quality within yourself. Improve yourself and expand your comfort zones and interests in life. The more of yourself you "own", the less likely you will seek out a partner who "completes" you. You complete yourself.
   2) You Gave Them So Much of Yourself

            You believe that your ex-partner owes you a lifetime of commitment or at least a little more consideration because you gave them so much of yourself. You allowed them to create a place for themselves in your life, you opened up to them and told them all of your secrets and sentiments, you gave them access to parts and aspects of you that only they have ever known and seen. You put so much effort into the relationship and making them happy. You made a lot of sacrifices.

You need to boost your self esteem- do not equate your importance and desirability as a person to your level of innocence/inaccessibility. You are not a product- you do not instantly become unattractive because someone has broken your seal. 
Understand why you place importance on your "seals." Although exclusivity is a great strategy for initially attracting partners, do not practice exclusivity in your genuine relationships. The law of scarcity does not apply to your emotional/mental/physical/spiritual openness and legitimacy. 

Great relationships are built on the foundations of generosity and receptivity. 
         Understand why you do not feel secure. Unless someone is abusing you mentally/physically/emotionally/spiritually, you control your level of security. 

   3) They Understood You So Perfectly
               You believe that your ex-partner is the only person who really "gets" you. No one else can possibly communicate with you as effectively/easily/lovingly/supportively as they can. You believe that they were so perfectly suited to you that only they could possibly bring out parts of you that seem to be out of your control. 

                   Stop giving away your responsibility to your ex-partner. There is nothing in you that someone outside of you can bring out and understand exclusively. Take your personal power back- only you have full access to all of your aspects.
Learn the difference between responses and reactions. Your ex-partner may have been very effective at getting the "right" reactions out of you, but ultimately, you have the power to choose how you would like to respond to any situation. Own up to that responsibility.
Although your ex-partner might have given you great perspective, you can not assign them the task of analyzing yourself. The benefits of self-analysis can only be reaped when you undergo it. 
   4) You Are Scared of Being Replaced

               You can not get over this person because the thought of them with somebody else enrages you or puts you into a spell of depression. You still view the person as yours, and you view any relationships they will move onto as wrong/inferior/malicious. Their prospective significant others might as well be your "downfall" or your "enemy."

                        Do not view yourself as a commodity or product that can be replaced. You are a unique individual. You have your own special set of gifts and traits to share. Fully know this.
You must also accept that there are people who possess their own special set of gifts and traits that are more compatible with your ex-partner's set of gifts and traits than yours. Your ex-partner deserves to be happy just like you. No matter how much rage and jealousy you feel, you can not change your ex-partner's preferences and desires.
 Do not obsess about the possibility that your ex will compare his or her new partner with you. Your ex is likely to compare the two of you at some point- from consciously, blatantly analyzing your differences to subconsciously noticing a few minor details which you both share. You will probably do this, too. Learn to be okay with this.

   5)  You Are Scared of Opening Up Again

               You do not want to feel vulnerable again. You are scared of rejection and disappointment. You do not want to open up again and show others who you really are because you do not feel safe. The thought of expressing your true thoughts and feelings to someone else makes you very nervous. 

                 You have the power to make yourself feel secure. You have the power to choose how to respond to situations. You possess an intuition that can guide you during social interactions.
You must accept your feelings and opinions. Respect them. The sooner you do this, the easier it will be to be okay with being vulnerable. Do not put up walls because you are scared of rejection or being taken advantage of.
Stop being so attached to your inner thoughts and feelings. Your beliefs and opinions and emotions are not permanent- they may affect you but they do not define you.  If a potential partner "rejects" your inner thoughts and feelings by disagreeing or politely questioning them, he or she is not rejecting you. He or she may be seeking further elaboration or understanding, or politely stating that they have conflicting stances. But if he or she "rejects" your inner thoughts and feeling by disrespecting them and dismissing them, then find people who respect you.                  

   6)  You Two Went Through So Much

                  You equate the amount of struggles in the relationship to the level of importance and significance of the relationships. You use a type of logic in which pain equals success. You are very attached to the milestones you two conquered and all of the effort you put into overcoming them. 

Stop defining a relationship by the hardships it necessitated. Stop equating resistance and volatility with true connection. True connections require openness and love. Although true connections may be found during struggles, they may be more conveniently found through a calm approach which does not require fighting and suffering.
Just because you two have been through a lot, doesn't mean its for positive reasons. Do not allow yourself to get caught up in the cycle of fighting and making up. The excitement and stimulation may produce the pendulum effect- in which contrast makes the high points seem so much higher in relation to the low points. Understand that such a tumultuous relationship is unhealthy and destructive. Stop being addicted to drama. Do something better with your energy and time.                     

   7)  You Are Scared You Won't Find Something That Great Again

                  You believe that you can only have one great relationship. You think that you've already experienced the absolute best and that any other relationship will pale in comparison. Dating others is almost an exercise in futility for you- you do not believe in prospective relationships that can possibly surpass the quality of your relationship/partner. You believe you've already had the best, and you just lost it.

                Stop with the self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe that no one else is just as good for you, then you will see what you want to see. Nothing but frustration and suffering come from 
reinforcing this limiting belief.

                  Stop giving your ex-partner the full responsibility of creating a wonderful relationship. You have the power to make a new relationship more enjoyable than your previous relationships. This requires effort and the willingness to go out of your way to add value into someone else's life. You must be ready to give if you so badly want to receive.

You must attempt to understand why you do not want to move on from your ex. Once you gain understanding, you must take some form of action. This action is first and foremost internal. You must explore different views of yourself and relationships in order to find peace. Do not let various manifestations of fear keep you from being happy and being happy for others. 

In Part 2, different methods and various reasons will be covered.

Monday, July 9, 2012

How to Attract More Loving Relationships Into Your Life

   The more aware we are of how our relationships affect us, the more deliberate we are when examining the dynamics of a relationship, the more success we have in finding and nurturing the relationships that best serve us.   

   To attract more loving people into one's life, one must first discern between the positive and negative relationships that they currently interact within.

   A positive relationship will make you feel supported, happy, and respected. Giving and taking is equal or as close to equal as possible. Harmony is prioritized. You two share a relationship because of common positive interests- not to create negative feelings and energies like hate, envy, or perpetual despair. You commit to the bond because of genuine compassion- you two actually like each other and enjoy being in each other's company. Being with that person makes you feel peaceful/rejuvenated/progressively stimulated/accepted/etc. Positive relationships make you feel grateful.

   Negative relationships do not offer the benefits of a positive relationships. Negative relationships are draining, with little trust/respect/compassion/consideration for each other. You two may come together based on mutual dislikes and hate, thus increasing negative and draining energies. You commit to each other because of egocentric reasons. Being with that person leaves you feeling tired/angry/distrustful/unpleasant/hateful/etc. Negative relationships leave you misaligned.
   To attract more loving relationships, one must first cut ties with overly demanding, energy-draining bonds. Discern wisely and make decisions from the heart. You will leave your comfort zone during this process of elimination. Do not be discouraged. 

   Do not resume relationships with negative people because you are bored or lonely. This stage requires strength and self examination. If you feel that only others can offer what you need to get over your boredom/loneliness/discomfort/etc, then look within and examine yourself. Find the root of your problem and understand why you are projecting the solution onto people and situations outside of yourself. The problem is within, along with the solution.

   Once you have freed yourself from the destructive commitments and habits that come with negative relationships, you must now heal yourself. To heal yourself, allow yourself to be happy.    
  Do not partake in activities that do you no good, for that creates or reinforces more of those negative relationships- be it with other people, places, objects, or actions. 

 Instead, partake in activities you truly enjoy that also nurture your health. Learn to make real food, take yoga classes, start writing, read more books, meditate. Make a habit of spending your time doing things that increase your quality of life.

  Most importantly, you must heal yourself by accepting yourself fully. To attract people who truly love you and respect you, you must truly love and respect yourself. Remove negative programming that lowers your self esteem and confidence. Remove fear based programming that makes you too proud and judgmental. Become the friend and partner you seek.

   Meet new people. Do not be afraid to strike up a conversation with people you meet during your favorite activities. Follow your intuition. If someone catches your eye for good reasons, approach them.

   Approach relationships with a new mindset. Do not crush the possibilities of a relationship by forcing expectations onto it. Learn to enjoy the person's company and contributions in the present, as events unfold.Give the effort you wish to receive, and more. Always consider ways that allow you to contribute and offer value within your commitments and interaction. Sharing is caring. Follow your intuition. Listen to your heart. The basic rules most effectively apply.

  Keep in mind that although some relationships may seem perfectly suitable for you, misalignments may be subtle or even unknown at times. If a relationship is not meant to work, if there is too much stress and resistance albeit seemingly positive interactions, then you must learn to let go and allow the relationship to handle itself. Do not force yourself onto others, and do not allow others to overstep your boundaries and push you. Learn the difference between a relationship with someone that expands your comfort zone, and one that pushes you completely beyond it in a negative way. 

   Most importantly, be grateful for all of your relationships and all of the lessons and observations you can make by witnessing your role within social interactions. Always uphold your personal priorities that serve you best, be loving and accepting, and the rest will take care of itself.