How to Love Yourself: Part 1: Detachment

Love is an energy.
Love is a state of total acceptance, harmony, and truth.
True love with another individual is virtually impossible unless one truly loves themselves. This self love requires an honest and deliberate look into one's self and inner environment in order to be accessed. 

Tuning Into the Flow
Love resonates from within first- any attempts at finding love outside of the self are futile and shall create new bonds, associations,and expectations that will cause suffering and disappointment.

Accept Yourself
We can not truly accept others if we do not accept ourselves.
Self acceptance demands detachment from the illusory qualities we define ourselves with.

You are not your life story.
You are not the emotions you feel, the problems you solve, the job you work, the friends you keep, the country you're from. 
You are not your favorite sports team, your weekly/nightly/daily/monthly/yearly habits, your interests and hobbies, your talents, your achievements, your successes, and your failures.
You are not the result of the relationships that failed, the diet you commit to, your lifestyle choices, or the knowledge in your head.

These qualities are merely action. Action is temporary. You are an essence that is permanent, although the ways in which you express your essence and your awareness of your essence are also temporary. Action and expression are not who you are.

You must detach from all of these temporal qualities. Detachment allows you to observe these temporal qualities in a neutral manner. 

To reach detachment, you must fully know that you do not depends on any temporary aspects to define yourself.

Who are you once you take away your style?
Who are you once you take away your background?
Who are you once you take away all of the associations and attachments you've created and acquired over the years?

You are not your "personality."
Everyone is a unique individual. 
Everyone possesses a unique set of talents and skills and personal tendencies.
Yet these unique sets of talents and skills and personal tendencies can be easily changed- they are temporary.

Someone weak can become strong.
Someone ignorant can become knowledgeable.
Someone shy can act and become outgoing.
Someone feminine can act and become masculine.
You can not become another soul.

You must learn to detach from who you think you are based on the illusory level of the personality.
Although analyzing and observing personalities can be  useful, the state of love does not at all depend on personality traits.
Attaching to personality traits creates a duality within yourself that hinders the flow of love.

How can you love and accept yourself while reinforcing personality traits that you like and dislike?
You will never fully accept yourself if you keep associating yourself with attributes you like AND dislike, love AND hate.

You are not your personality traits, you are merely engaging in behavior that can be labeled as such. Once you engage in these behaviors repeatedly, they become a habit or tendency. Your "personality" is just a set of habits and tendencies. Again, these are temporary. Detach from them.

You Are Not Your History
You are not your past. You are not your life story.
All of the events which you have experienced have ended, they do not continue to exist, they are gone- mere memory in your head which is altered every time it is recalled.
The past is temporary.

Detach from the past. Detach from the choices you've made before, detach from the habits you've created in the past that no longer serve you. 

Love exists within the present.
In the present, we have the power to love ourselves fully and accept ourselves. We can only make choices in the present. We can only find peace and harmony in the present. Awareness must be fully shifted to the present moment in order to become fully aware of love.

Forgive your past. Heal yourself from the past by allowing the healing from love to flow during the present. Allow yourself to fully experience this moment.
You are not the mistake you've made, although you might still be dealing with the consequences. Consider this a learning experience and do not allow yourself to become fully immersed in your "failures." 

Trust that once you've tuned into love and remain in the state of love, you will not make choices that cause you suffering and disappointment.

You Are Not Your Expectations and Associations
You are not the expectations you place upon yourself. These future goals and achievements are cumulative experiences you expect yourself to undergo, but they do not define you.
You are not your job promotion, graduate degree, future perfect body.

These goals and expectations are useful, but do not attach yourself to them. Committing to a goal is a journey, do not become too fixated on the destination.

Accept yourself as you are in this moment. You can not only  "love" who you think you "will be." You can only love yourself in the moment.

You Are Not the Roles You Play
We all play different "roles."
We fulfill expectations and engage in behaviors that can be conveniently labeled.

We can be the mother, father,husband, wife, brother, sister, daughter, son, girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend, worst enemy, care taker, teacher, student, supporter, boss,  partner, leader, follower, etc...

You are not the roles you play. 
All roles are a set of associations and expectations. 
All roles are merely labels- anyone can behave and act beyond the limits of their titles.

Detach yourself from these titles. 
Although some roles do resonate with love and caring, they are merely labels which we place upon ourselves.
Look within yourself, beyond these conventions and beyond these attributes.

Your True Self
Recognize who you truly are.
In this moment, you are a being that exists.
You choose which state you would like to exist in.
Allow yourself to exist in the state of love.
Once you let go of the illusory components of your being, choosing love becomes easier. Resistance weakens.

The detachment process brings up many old wounds and emotions that need to be processed. You may not like the feelings and energies that resurface, but remember, you are not those feelings and energies. They are merely residue of your past which you can let go of by becoming aware of and detaching from. 

The detachment process will also bring up residue regarding other people. Practice the art of letting go. These dynamics will be explored more deeply in a future post. 

Love is a state without attachments.


  1. Awesome, thank you

    1. Thank you so much for reading!


    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. Hello Valentino,

      For privacy's sake, I suggest you email me at with more details about what you'd like to work through.

      Hoping to hear from you.

  2. Not sure if you're Christian, but your writing just seemed so in tuned with scripture. Reading your post was like having someone lift away such a heavy burden. Ironically, it seemed to resonate with a poem that I started recently to better understand my true identity. God bless you!

  3. Great post! Really appreciate the thoroughness. Ironically, I'm working on a poem that's quite similar to what I just read from above. With your permission, I'd love to add some of your thoughts to my poem, as it's dealing on identity; however, mine is more Bible - based. God bless you and your efforts in helping others love and accept themselves. I certainly felt very blessed in the reading of your article. Thank you!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dealing with Infatuation: How to Stop Obsessing Over Someone

How to Stop Being a Possessive, Controlling Partner

How to Lose Weight and Get the Body You Want the Easy Way Part 1