Wednesday, July 11, 2012

How to Stop Being a Possessive, Controlling Partner

**UPDATE: I have recently published a new eBook- "Before You Cheat: A Guide to Reclaiming Your Life from Infatuation, Obsession, and Infidelity." It is available for download on Amazon: Thank you so much for your support.**

Being a possessive, controlling partner can and will ruin a potentially great relationship. If you would like to save your relationship and improve your connection with your partner, you must understand why you are being possessive and controlling. You must resolve the internal conflicts that cause you to behave in a way that negatively restricts your partner's life. You must also change the nature of your relationship choices.

Why You Feel the Need to Be Possessive and Controlling

Lack of Trust and Respect
When you attempt to control another human being and restrict their life according to your preferences, you are greatly disrespecting them. You either do not respect your partner or you do not respect yourself. 

Respect and trust go hand in hand. If you do not respect your partner, then you can not fully trust your partner. If you do not believe they are your equal, then you will never be able to place the amount of confidence and appreciation in your partner that allows a relationship to work. 

Understand why you look down on your partner. What do they do or fail to do that keeps you from considering them as an equal? Usually, the answers are lead back to self prescribed deficiencies. You are most likely projecting these deficiencies onto your partner because you do not want to claim responsibility for them yourself. 

For example, you may be shy and your partner may be very friendly. Secretly, you know you act shy because you are afraid of getting to know people and become nervous when meeting anyone. You are uncomfortable. But you see your partner being friendly, and instead of accepting that your partner has developed his or her social abilities more than you have, you label your partner's behavior as "sketchy", "flirtatious", "suspicious"...etc. Thus the cycle of accusation and jealousy begins. This cycle will never step as long as you see the problem beginning with your partner when it truly begins with yourself.

Thus is the actual lack of self respect. You do not fully respect yourself enough to change the aspects within you that you dislike or see as anti-progressive. You do not want to face your insecurities, so you give the power away to your partner and blame them for your inner lack of content. 
You must claim back your power and responsibility and stop expecting your partner to make you fully happy.

Sometimes the mistrust and disrespect actually do have appropriate grounds. You may behave in this way because of mistakes your partner has made e.g. cheating, lying, mistreating you. Again, this only points back to a lack of self respect. 
If you are mistreated, you are better off leaving the relationship and finding someone who treats you well. But this requires a great amount of conviction, which most people who lack self respect do not usually have. Thus they stay in the relationship in hopes of changing their partner.

Trying to Change Your Partner

This matter is easily resolved.

Why did you choose to be with your partner?
Were you not aware of their "flaws" and "shortcomings" during the initial stages?
You probably had a good grasp of your partner's personality and interests when you began dating them. People do not adopt an entire new set of habits and tendencies once you two become official.

Yet many possessive and controlling partners express disdain for their partner's habits and tendencies. They put a great amount of stress on the relationship because their partner will not or fails to act in a new way that satisfies them.

Relationships require compromise. Partners must communicate in order to express their feelings and concerns. A loving partner will do his or her best to make the relationship more comfortable. Yet there is a huge difference between trying to change your partner and trying to grow with them.

You can not mold your partner into an idealized shell of what you consider the right partner for you. You can only grow with your partner. Growing with your partner requires self growth first and foremost. This all leads to giving yourself the respect required to lovingly look at the aspects of yourself you'd like to change and become peaceful with. 

If you can not grow with your partner, the relationship is futile, and it is best for both of you that you call it quits. Trying to change your partner will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever work.


Jealousy also requires self exploration.
We become jealous and envious because we are uncomfortable with our partners loving other people. When this becomes inappropriate, then that is a cue for us to talk to our partners about it lovingly. If this continues to happen, then we need to leave. Yet most possessive and controlling partners do not have a righteous grounds for their jealousy.

We become jealous because we feel threatened. We do not want anyone to take our partner's affections from us. We do not want to lose any love or admiration, nor do we want to share.
Truth is, everyone has to share.

Your partner deserves to have friends.
You can not be the only person in your partner's life. Accept it.
You can not give your partner everything in every way; your partner has friends to share experiences with. You can not be the only person with whom your partner explores life.

Your partner is going to love other people.
Romantic love isn't the only love that exists. Inevitably, your partner will care deeply for other people. Your partner will always love other people; he or she will always want to express admiration, give affection, and offer support to them. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. 

Your partner is going to always want and need time and space.
Relationships were not meant to be codependent.
Relationships only work well between two self-sufficient people. Your partner will not depend on you for everything. Your partner will always need some time and space to themselves to just be by themselves. This does not necessarily they need an escape from you. Respect your partner's need for solitude.

Resolving Internal Issues

If you have been a possessive and controlling partner, you have placed stress and tension within your relationship and have hindered the flow of understanding and love. You need to first look within and understand why you are projecting your problems onto your partner. Only you have the power to make yourself feel respected and complete. If you are in a relationship which creates a draining environment, then see if you are causing that draining feeling. Communicate. If nothing improves, then leave.

Consider if you are actually ready for a relationship. 
A relationship necessitates growth and expansion. You need to be capable of loving yourself fully before you can fully love somebody else. You can not take care of someone if you can not take care of yourself. You can not effectively fulfill someone else's needs and nurture them if you can not take care and give to yourself. 

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How to Stop Trying to Control Your Partner

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